alright, i really have to pass out. but i just watched disturbia...it took me almost an hour to watch the last 15 minutes because i kept pausing it and then freaking out and doing other things to get away from it. haha but that was probably a bad movie to watch because:
the asian kid reminded me so much of albert and then kristen came right out and asked me if i had seen the asian kid in it yet because he looks like albert. ha WHATEVEr.
and shia lebouf has the most amazing kissing skills i have ever seen on the screen. the way his nose moves, and the way he like...tricks the kisses, and fakes them at first and pulls away. it's just...amazing. i would like to kiss him sometime. haha
but the movie was really good. i'm glad i finally finished it. haha
GOODNIGHT.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Saturday, January 26, 2008
black & decker.
alright so i feel like a complete tool. name brand and full of power.
albert was in the store today. it was my first day of work and jenna was working with me. or i was working with jenna. whatever. but...i was putting some movies back in their security cases, and jenna just like, pointed to me or something, and then i just looked over and realized albert was there. i. i really don't know what to think about the situation. i haven't felt that awkward and nervous in so long. i was completely on edge the whole time. it's like...i don't know. i really like talking to him and what not, and...i tried to tell myself he isn't attactive. but jesus CHRIST blogger viewers, he is so gorgeous. i have been ignoring him non-stop, and i always feel urged to IM him back, or text him back, or call him back, or fb message him back. but somehow i always end up talking myself out of it. i know that if i hang out with him at all, i will end up liking him. and i can't like him. i just...i honestly can't. how do you explain that to someone? like. i don't know, i don't want him to think i'm ignoring him because i don't want him to just go away completely. but i really can't hang out with him comfortably because i have some sort of weird thing for him. i guess because whenever we talk online we are either assholes or some sort of weird inuendo fest, but...seriously. what the hell is wrong with me. i can just imagine how much i would stutter and how uncomfortably flirtatious i would be, and it worries me. GAH!
and i really don't want to be the one who like, ends up taking him away from jenna. i know i wouldn't actually "take him" from her, but just the whole thing feels wrong. i've talked to her about it, and she says she doesn't like him in that way, but that still doesn't make it right. like...at all. and one of the reasons she doesn't like him is because of the way he was acting toward me. sooo. blah. but he like, stopped acting all creepy and what not. and he stopped being a complete asshole. so maybe he was just in a bad mood for a few days? i have no idea. i don't really know anyone around here anymore, other than jenna. and albert is around a lot more than jenna. so i feel like i should let myself be friends with him so i have someone to go out and do stuff with, but how much do i really go out anyway? i have no money. and. i don't know. i guess we could just hang out and watch movies somewhere or something, i mean, he always offers to pay. but holy hell. and why is this whole entry going to end up being about him? it's so dumb. just. whatever!
zeb was in my dream last night. i IMed him today, and wrote on his fb, but he never responds. ever. i don't understand it really because i thought we were friends, and we always hit is off really well in person and what not, but he just ignores me much like i ignore albert. it sucks to think about it in that way. hahhh. but he IMs jenna whenever she's online, and it does make me jealous simply because i really liked zeb and i wanted to hang out with him and get to be closer to him, you know? and he just...blatantly ignores me. i don't understand. and i know albert would never think in the way that i am thinking regarding zeb, but i don't want him to think i hate him just because i never respond. it's quite the opposite. i am just too nervous to hang out with him and that's that. why am i even considering it? it would be such a bad situation. i need to stop. right now.
work was good. i like talking and being an asshole. it's honestly the easiest job ever, and i wanted so badly to be on register and multi-tasking, but i couldn't since it was my first day. i returned movies, cleaned them, and put them back on the shelves. i bagged rentals... i answered the phone a lot. i work again on tuesday. the day of my first italian class. i was scheduled 4 - 9 but i have class until 4:15 so i'm coming in at 5. i'll go there straight from bucks i guess. ahhh! i can't stop thinking about albert because he's not online. it's sick the way he has seeped into my mind. maybe i'll see there will be blood with him this week. i was thinking maybe tomorrow at 645, but...maybe wednesday? i have school on tuesday and wednesday...but only til like, 4. i guess we'll see.
i just stopped typing. and sat here...staring at the keys...my eyes fell on the delete key and i have no idea why. i have nothing that i want to delete. i guess because it was the top right corner and they automatically wanted to read when they saw what resembled a word.
i was supposed to go to jenna's after work and watch a movie, but i thought i should come home and be with my mom because she was in horrible shape when i left for work. so i come how all prepared to watch a movie and such with her and she's sitting in the living room as alert as can be, watching figure skating. so here i am, instead of watching a film avec jenna, typing away on my ridiculously unimportant and uninteresting blog. this is turning into a xanga style instead of something with substance. and i never know when to stop because i am literally just typing until my thoughts end--- and they never do. usually when i make statements like that i end up finishing soon after. it's really funny how my mind likes to automatically make me a hypocrite. it sees that i announce i never run out of thoughts and then it laughs and shuts them off. that sentence was amazingly difficult for me to formulate and write.
so i'm gonna go now, i'm going to finish my essay for my architecture class and then i guess i'll watch a movie. same choices available as yesterday, only this time i am actually in the mood for disturbia. yesterday i didn't really feel like being scared, i just wanted something that was short, but today it'll be good. i fell asleep last night. i really wanted to watch breakfast on pluto. i don't know why i was so keen on transexuals, but...yes. maybe i will watch disturbia and grandma's boy. the two most non-indie/non-thinking ones. haha
moral of this post: stop. crushing. on. albert. now.
albert was in the store today. it was my first day of work and jenna was working with me. or i was working with jenna. whatever. but...i was putting some movies back in their security cases, and jenna just like, pointed to me or something, and then i just looked over and realized albert was there. i. i really don't know what to think about the situation. i haven't felt that awkward and nervous in so long. i was completely on edge the whole time. it's like...i don't know. i really like talking to him and what not, and...i tried to tell myself he isn't attactive. but jesus CHRIST blogger viewers, he is so gorgeous. i have been ignoring him non-stop, and i always feel urged to IM him back, or text him back, or call him back, or fb message him back. but somehow i always end up talking myself out of it. i know that if i hang out with him at all, i will end up liking him. and i can't like him. i just...i honestly can't. how do you explain that to someone? like. i don't know, i don't want him to think i'm ignoring him because i don't want him to just go away completely. but i really can't hang out with him comfortably because i have some sort of weird thing for him. i guess because whenever we talk online we are either assholes or some sort of weird inuendo fest, but...seriously. what the hell is wrong with me. i can just imagine how much i would stutter and how uncomfortably flirtatious i would be, and it worries me. GAH!
and i really don't want to be the one who like, ends up taking him away from jenna. i know i wouldn't actually "take him" from her, but just the whole thing feels wrong. i've talked to her about it, and she says she doesn't like him in that way, but that still doesn't make it right. like...at all. and one of the reasons she doesn't like him is because of the way he was acting toward me. sooo. blah. but he like, stopped acting all creepy and what not. and he stopped being a complete asshole. so maybe he was just in a bad mood for a few days? i have no idea. i don't really know anyone around here anymore, other than jenna. and albert is around a lot more than jenna. so i feel like i should let myself be friends with him so i have someone to go out and do stuff with, but how much do i really go out anyway? i have no money. and. i don't know. i guess we could just hang out and watch movies somewhere or something, i mean, he always offers to pay. but holy hell. and why is this whole entry going to end up being about him? it's so dumb. just. whatever!
zeb was in my dream last night. i IMed him today, and wrote on his fb, but he never responds. ever. i don't understand it really because i thought we were friends, and we always hit is off really well in person and what not, but he just ignores me much like i ignore albert. it sucks to think about it in that way. hahhh. but he IMs jenna whenever she's online, and it does make me jealous simply because i really liked zeb and i wanted to hang out with him and get to be closer to him, you know? and he just...blatantly ignores me. i don't understand. and i know albert would never think in the way that i am thinking regarding zeb, but i don't want him to think i hate him just because i never respond. it's quite the opposite. i am just too nervous to hang out with him and that's that. why am i even considering it? it would be such a bad situation. i need to stop. right now.
work was good. i like talking and being an asshole. it's honestly the easiest job ever, and i wanted so badly to be on register and multi-tasking, but i couldn't since it was my first day. i returned movies, cleaned them, and put them back on the shelves. i bagged rentals... i answered the phone a lot. i work again on tuesday. the day of my first italian class. i was scheduled 4 - 9 but i have class until 4:15 so i'm coming in at 5. i'll go there straight from bucks i guess. ahhh! i can't stop thinking about albert because he's not online. it's sick the way he has seeped into my mind. maybe i'll see there will be blood with him this week. i was thinking maybe tomorrow at 645, but...maybe wednesday? i have school on tuesday and wednesday...but only til like, 4. i guess we'll see.
i just stopped typing. and sat here...staring at the keys...my eyes fell on the delete key and i have no idea why. i have nothing that i want to delete. i guess because it was the top right corner and they automatically wanted to read when they saw what resembled a word.
i was supposed to go to jenna's after work and watch a movie, but i thought i should come home and be with my mom because she was in horrible shape when i left for work. so i come how all prepared to watch a movie and such with her and she's sitting in the living room as alert as can be, watching figure skating. so here i am, instead of watching a film avec jenna, typing away on my ridiculously unimportant and uninteresting blog. this is turning into a xanga style instead of something with substance. and i never know when to stop because i am literally just typing until my thoughts end--- and they never do. usually when i make statements like that i end up finishing soon after. it's really funny how my mind likes to automatically make me a hypocrite. it sees that i announce i never run out of thoughts and then it laughs and shuts them off. that sentence was amazingly difficult for me to formulate and write.
so i'm gonna go now, i'm going to finish my essay for my architecture class and then i guess i'll watch a movie. same choices available as yesterday, only this time i am actually in the mood for disturbia. yesterday i didn't really feel like being scared, i just wanted something that was short, but today it'll be good. i fell asleep last night. i really wanted to watch breakfast on pluto. i don't know why i was so keen on transexuals, but...yes. maybe i will watch disturbia and grandma's boy. the two most non-indie/non-thinking ones. haha
moral of this post: stop. crushing. on. albert. now.
Friday, January 25, 2008
hitrecord.org
hello hello---
it is my mom's birthday. she's 52. we didn't celebrate really. there was a cake, bought 10 minutes before we ate it. and we went to see Juno. i bought her a card, but that was all i could afford really, and since i'm never allowed out of the house i couldn't very easily buy anything else. right now my left eye is so irritated it is completely shut. i rubbed all of the make-up off, and my invisible and brittle lashes are stabbing me. the other eye is still completely made up. i contemplated taking a photo to show you, but it may be too extreme.
my floor is disgusting. it is covered in scarves and dvds. and empty bags to carry the books and accessories that are strewn across my bed. i just clicked on someone's blog link through jay brannan's blog and it alerted me that it was for "mature audiences over 14 only." i had to click that i was 14 or above. i was not completely aware that 14 years of age made you able to view "mature material," but that makes up 2/3rds of me so i'll take it.
last night i watched "mysterious skin" and wrote to bill mick. i am not sure whether or not i feel like posting what i wrote to him, but i have it as a saved post on here. i like writing to him a lot. and i really enjoy when he writes to me. i don't know why it took me 5 days to respond...i guess i was just unsure of what to write, and i wanted to write so badly that i kept restarting. i hope he doesn't take as long to write back.
my mom is calling me downstairs. jesus christ. brb.
my ipod is synced to my old computer that deleted my user. i have to de-authorize my files on that so i can use my ipod as an external hard drive and transfer all of those tunes onto this computer. everytime i start the transfer downstairs my mom stops it and calls me down to tell me i am doing it wrong. she just changed all the settings back and i am too tired to deal with it. i don't understand it. i was more excited that it was her birthday than she was, and then she just yells at me that she's not going to let me ruin HER birthday. she has to emphasize that it's her day to try to make me feel worse. but whatever, i hope she semi-enjoyed it regardless.
while i was up i decided to change my pants. i am now adorned with purple flannel pants with white princess kitties on them. i like these pants. they are extremely soft and warm. i'm also wearing my favorite socks, and i never want them to wear out. but the one on the right foot always comes off when i take my pants off. it just gets stuck in the pant leg. when i looked over to my right while i was changing i saw my jeans from earlier. they are sort of draped on a pile of things, and it looks like they are running. the one leg is bent in an interesting position.
albert lee IMs me several dozen times a day. he writes to me on facebook. he calls my cell phone. and he texts me. i started just blatantly ignoring him when he IMs me now because it is constant. it's not that i don't like talking to him. it's not that at all really. i just don't know what to say when it inevitably leads to him begging me to go to movies with him. i ... i don't have money, and he always says he'll pay for me, but i ... yes, jenna just texted me. as i was writing this paragraph. i will definitely say that the whole jenna situation with albert is one of 2 factors that keep me from hanging out with him at all. i don't feel comfortable hanging out with him when they never hang out or talk anymore. it just...i don't know. it's just wrong. and the other thing is my mother. but some days i feel empowered and i just say i'm going out, and that's that. he really wants to see "there will be blood" though, and i was thinking about saying we could go tomorrow after i get out of work, but i'm probably going to hang out with jenna because she's working too...and i don't know if they want to hang out the three of us. i don't know what his motives are really. i'm not sure what i want his motives to be. and i got slightly depressed when he wasn't online anymore when i came home from seeing juno, because he's always signed online...and i can usually expect an IM at least every hour. this section was far longer than i intended for it to be. it was just a passing thought.
i need to work out. i keep spacing it between showers. i guess i'll run tomorrow morning. on the treadmill obviously, because it's cold as a witch's teat. i couldn't help but quote that. it just came out so naturally. it's a very random line from catcher in the rye. justin leigh quoted it to me at random one time online after i gave him a copy for his birthday. i wrote in it, and now i am worried that what i wrote was FAR less mature and interesting than i was convinced it was back then. but i guess i will never know, because i can't remember what i wrote. i wonder if my mom called or texted him again after reading his phone number on my phone bill. she tends to go insane and do that. it upsets me because i still very strongly believe he is one of my soulmates. in that not necessarily sexual/cosmically connected sort of way.
i hate when my inner thigh itches, because i gained weight in the inner thigh and now it sort of bulges at the top, so sometimes it itches between my crotch and my thigh? i can't properly explain what i am referring to, but maybe someone out there can relate to it and will understand.
i just missed 11:11 for the millionth day in a row.
every guy i mentioned in this post has two first names, and i have to write their names as both first and last. i don't know if that is some sort of sign or just something odd. i have literally always referred to these people as their full names. bill mick. albert lee. justin leigh. whateverrrr.
i missed dani pretty strongly today for about 10 minutes when i got home from juno. i was thinking about him and then i went back to my computer and he had signed off a few seconds before i returned. he had IMed me in some stupid random way that completely made me miss the hell out of him. but i got that to go away by visualizing how he acts instead of who he is. because he thinks they are synonymous. i figured i should give it a try.
i've been talking to fiona. a lot. more than anyone else i know i think. we talk whenever we are both online, which is...many hours a day. i really like talking to her. i have this horrible habit of (i actually wrote habit with one b for the first time ever. i had to stop and express how proud i am of myself.) adopting people as friends. when i become friends with someone on any level i literally end up knowing almost everything there is to know about them very quickly. it makes me wonder though, because i wouldn't be talking to the people i do now if i lived on that campus. the reason i don't think i'd be talking to them is because i wouldn't be sitting on my computer while i am actually around people. and if they were all on their computers, and i was out, we'd never interact. then again, maybe they would get off their computers if i was there. who knows.
i want to see zeb soon and hang out with him. i like to think of us as better friends than we really are. oh well.
i guess i'll go now, because i have to watch at least one of these movies tonight. not sure which one though. i wanted to watch 2 or three originally but then i started writing. haha
i rented 6 movies while i was at southampton video yesterday...even though i'm going to be there again tomorrow. haha i got over excited by free rentals i guess.
here are my choices:
mysterious skin- watched it last night
lost in translation
broken flowers
breakfast on pluto
disturbia
grandma's boy
i think i'm gonna watch disturbia, even though i should watch something that the store only has one copy of. i'll watch grandma's boy while i'm working out tomorrow. i really want to watch breakfast on pluto though. haha and the other two. blah! i guess i'll look at how long they are. maybe i'll watch two like an asshole...hah
PEACE.
it is my mom's birthday. she's 52. we didn't celebrate really. there was a cake, bought 10 minutes before we ate it. and we went to see Juno. i bought her a card, but that was all i could afford really, and since i'm never allowed out of the house i couldn't very easily buy anything else. right now my left eye is so irritated it is completely shut. i rubbed all of the make-up off, and my invisible and brittle lashes are stabbing me. the other eye is still completely made up. i contemplated taking a photo to show you, but it may be too extreme.
my floor is disgusting. it is covered in scarves and dvds. and empty bags to carry the books and accessories that are strewn across my bed. i just clicked on someone's blog link through jay brannan's blog and it alerted me that it was for "mature audiences over 14 only." i had to click that i was 14 or above. i was not completely aware that 14 years of age made you able to view "mature material," but that makes up 2/3rds of me so i'll take it.
last night i watched "mysterious skin" and wrote to bill mick. i am not sure whether or not i feel like posting what i wrote to him, but i have it as a saved post on here. i like writing to him a lot. and i really enjoy when he writes to me. i don't know why it took me 5 days to respond...i guess i was just unsure of what to write, and i wanted to write so badly that i kept restarting. i hope he doesn't take as long to write back.
my mom is calling me downstairs. jesus christ. brb.
my ipod is synced to my old computer that deleted my user. i have to de-authorize my files on that so i can use my ipod as an external hard drive and transfer all of those tunes onto this computer. everytime i start the transfer downstairs my mom stops it and calls me down to tell me i am doing it wrong. she just changed all the settings back and i am too tired to deal with it. i don't understand it. i was more excited that it was her birthday than she was, and then she just yells at me that she's not going to let me ruin HER birthday. she has to emphasize that it's her day to try to make me feel worse. but whatever, i hope she semi-enjoyed it regardless.
while i was up i decided to change my pants. i am now adorned with purple flannel pants with white princess kitties on them. i like these pants. they are extremely soft and warm. i'm also wearing my favorite socks, and i never want them to wear out. but the one on the right foot always comes off when i take my pants off. it just gets stuck in the pant leg. when i looked over to my right while i was changing i saw my jeans from earlier. they are sort of draped on a pile of things, and it looks like they are running. the one leg is bent in an interesting position.
albert lee IMs me several dozen times a day. he writes to me on facebook. he calls my cell phone. and he texts me. i started just blatantly ignoring him when he IMs me now because it is constant. it's not that i don't like talking to him. it's not that at all really. i just don't know what to say when it inevitably leads to him begging me to go to movies with him. i ... i don't have money, and he always says he'll pay for me, but i ... yes, jenna just texted me. as i was writing this paragraph. i will definitely say that the whole jenna situation with albert is one of 2 factors that keep me from hanging out with him at all. i don't feel comfortable hanging out with him when they never hang out or talk anymore. it just...i don't know. it's just wrong. and the other thing is my mother. but some days i feel empowered and i just say i'm going out, and that's that. he really wants to see "there will be blood" though, and i was thinking about saying we could go tomorrow after i get out of work, but i'm probably going to hang out with jenna because she's working too...and i don't know if they want to hang out the three of us. i don't know what his motives are really. i'm not sure what i want his motives to be. and i got slightly depressed when he wasn't online anymore when i came home from seeing juno, because he's always signed online...and i can usually expect an IM at least every hour. this section was far longer than i intended for it to be. it was just a passing thought.
i need to work out. i keep spacing it between showers. i guess i'll run tomorrow morning. on the treadmill obviously, because it's cold as a witch's teat. i couldn't help but quote that. it just came out so naturally. it's a very random line from catcher in the rye. justin leigh quoted it to me at random one time online after i gave him a copy for his birthday. i wrote in it, and now i am worried that what i wrote was FAR less mature and interesting than i was convinced it was back then. but i guess i will never know, because i can't remember what i wrote. i wonder if my mom called or texted him again after reading his phone number on my phone bill. she tends to go insane and do that. it upsets me because i still very strongly believe he is one of my soulmates. in that not necessarily sexual/cosmically connected sort of way.
i hate when my inner thigh itches, because i gained weight in the inner thigh and now it sort of bulges at the top, so sometimes it itches between my crotch and my thigh? i can't properly explain what i am referring to, but maybe someone out there can relate to it and will understand.
i just missed 11:11 for the millionth day in a row.
every guy i mentioned in this post has two first names, and i have to write their names as both first and last. i don't know if that is some sort of sign or just something odd. i have literally always referred to these people as their full names. bill mick. albert lee. justin leigh. whateverrrr.
i missed dani pretty strongly today for about 10 minutes when i got home from juno. i was thinking about him and then i went back to my computer and he had signed off a few seconds before i returned. he had IMed me in some stupid random way that completely made me miss the hell out of him. but i got that to go away by visualizing how he acts instead of who he is. because he thinks they are synonymous. i figured i should give it a try.
i've been talking to fiona. a lot. more than anyone else i know i think. we talk whenever we are both online, which is...many hours a day. i really like talking to her. i have this horrible habit of (i actually wrote habit with one b for the first time ever. i had to stop and express how proud i am of myself.) adopting people as friends. when i become friends with someone on any level i literally end up knowing almost everything there is to know about them very quickly. it makes me wonder though, because i wouldn't be talking to the people i do now if i lived on that campus. the reason i don't think i'd be talking to them is because i wouldn't be sitting on my computer while i am actually around people. and if they were all on their computers, and i was out, we'd never interact. then again, maybe they would get off their computers if i was there. who knows.
i want to see zeb soon and hang out with him. i like to think of us as better friends than we really are. oh well.
i guess i'll go now, because i have to watch at least one of these movies tonight. not sure which one though. i wanted to watch 2 or three originally but then i started writing. haha
i rented 6 movies while i was at southampton video yesterday...even though i'm going to be there again tomorrow. haha i got over excited by free rentals i guess.
here are my choices:
mysterious skin- watched it last night
lost in translation
broken flowers
breakfast on pluto
disturbia
grandma's boy
i think i'm gonna watch disturbia, even though i should watch something that the store only has one copy of. i'll watch grandma's boy while i'm working out tomorrow. i really want to watch breakfast on pluto though. haha and the other two. blah! i guess i'll look at how long they are. maybe i'll watch two like an asshole...hah
PEACE.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
aye
on artists in such a celebrity driven society: "The only time we can truly be ourselves is when we are someone else."
this will be on my imdb someday. it is one of the profound things i hope they post that i've said. HA.
this will be on my imdb someday. it is one of the profound things i hope they post that i've said. HA.
and.
coffee is worse than alcohol because it has the same effects, but they are immediate: the shits, the headaches, etc. but it is also worse because instead of making you pass out, it makes you stay awake in your own personal hell until you ultimately crash. anyway. goodnight.
nevermind.
i am honestly losing my mind. i ... i don't know. i need to stop. i can't decide whether this insane beating of my head is induced by extreme caffeine intake or tears. i ... i don't know. i believe i said that already, in the exact same way. i don't know what to do with my life, or what my life is doing with me. i feel like we are meant to just find ourselves. find our way in the world. that is the meaning, i'm sure. but how can we even be sure that there is a meaning. i don't even know if i care to know if there is a meaning. i don't know. i need to make films. i don't even care to make films. i need to write. i need to expose myself to humanity. i need to completely gut myself and throw it into the faces of everyone on the planet. feel what i feel. i want people to...feel what i feel. i was on the edge of saying that i want to be understood. but ... how can such a thing be possible? i mean...really. how could anyone ever truly understand another individual? i believe in the concept of soulmates. i believe in it in the sense that some people are from the same "soul" and it splits off and inhabits several people. that's how i use the term. i don't mean it in the "i'm sexually in love with you" sense. i mean it in the way that, some people in the world are actually a part of you. more like...together you are a part of something greater. yes, i know to anyone that may stumble upon this it may sound like a load of shit. probably the unflushable kind in the port-a-pot of existence. but. i don't care. and i have to shit really badly as it is from all of the coffee, so that analogy was a horrible choice.
there are two purposes of art. to entertain. and to expose feeling. at least that is how i understand it. i guess another way of thinking of it is finding truth. a lot of artists have abandoned this. at least that's how i like to think of it. because...so many things in "art" now are so surface...and if i let myself believe that they are truly involved in art for arts sake...the "deeper fulfillment and understanding" it provides...it just makes me realize how shallow and braindead our society is becoming. and i feel like i am completely full of shit when i say things like this, because what in the hell am i doing that is any different from anyone else? i wish i knew how, you know? i wish i fucking knew what it was that i was meant to do. but i don't want to be under the impression that i am "destined" to do something specific. a part of me is destroyed by the acknowledgement of a possible "destiny." the idea of "fate" is also one that blows my mind to bits. i struggle with this concepts a great deal. i'm almost certain that i can't throw them out of my mind completely.
art. writing is an art. it's interesting to think of it as an art, because it is words. if writing is an art, then wouldn't speaking be one as well? wouldn't everything we do be considered an art? or is art only art if it's intentional? and if it is intentional, is it not just humanity? so then...isn't art just humanity? therefore we live for art because art is living itself.
these are such dramatic concepts. the sad thing is i am not aiming for the dramatics. i am just ... i need to get this out. i don't mean i need to purge my system, because it will forever be a part of me, but i feel like i need to just. i need. what the hell do i need? i am just rambling. is there a time when i don't ramble? and the thing is. there is a time when i don't ramble. i just sit there in complete silence. but it isn't silent in my mind. my thoughts race like olympic athletes. only typically they never make it to the finish line because my thoughts are the kind that fuck up their ankles and never recover to make it to through the race. HA. fucking. a. eh? jersey? canada?
i need to travel. i need to travel and i don't know why. am i chasing something, or running away? why do people do what they do? what pushes them to live their lives in the way that they choose? what is actually important? i think these things are self defined, and yet so many people do not live their own lives. they get sucked into the gears of society. their purpose does not end up being for themselves, but instead for the propelment of society itself. i keep creating words with "ment" at the end instead of "ing." i like ment better, so that's my excuse.
but yes. we live in america, yes? well...not all of us, obviously. but americans are the biggest feeders into society. here we are in the presumably "free" country, and yet we are the most sucked into grouping ourselves. we may have "individualism" and what not, but...everyone ends up searching for their place to fit. i don't think there is a such thing as the individual sometimes, we are all part of something bigger than ourselves. i think we live under this false sense of uniqueness but ... the idea of self actualization is also one that completely destroys my logical skills. i feel like in order to achieve it...i feel like there is no way you can obtain "self-actualization" without the presence of someone else. i feel like human emotions are the meaning of life because they are the only thing that can last longer than time itself. events pass, but for some reason we have this "emotional side" that lingers long after everything around us changes. it is the only thing that is actually personal and characteristic only to ourselves. so wouldn't that be the soul? wouldn't that be the meaning inside of you? and i feel like that is the only way to achieve complete self-actualization. the final step perhaps. but i think people who are so keen in reaching it are the ones who will fail most definitely. how can you live your life, truly, when you are so worried about living it the way you need to to "find yourself."
what the hell am i talking about? i don't know. i am worried. i am worried about my future. i don't really want money. i don't really want fame. i feel like...media has destroyed humanity, and yet at the same time is bringing it together. i hate the separation between the "famous" and the "other." i feel like in order to live my life i need to break into the fame circle, just to be around the people i will be able to connect with. that's all i really want to do...
jesus god. my head is ready to explode. i'm taking classes this semester. 2 of them are on film and such. well, one is a film viewing/discussing class. the other is media script writing. what kind of nonsense do you think will flow from my fingertips? bloody hell. this headache. alcohol is not this bad. maybe i should start drinking. just kidding. almost.
i have no money. i have no job, no escape. i feel like what i am in need of expulsing (i have begun creating words with "ing" now, instead of ment) could really be powerful, if i could release it in some way. i wish i could let go of it through music, but i don't know.
why do i become so offended by people sometimes. i just started crying again. i feel completely helpless and yet empowered. i am losing my mind. or finding it. i honestly think that it is impossible to truly live in the world today. everything is a roadblock on the road to truth. and like. some things... some things that i don't feel are important, actually are. for instance, i would not feel fulfilled with my life if i invented toilet paper. and yet i really need it to wipe my ass right now. so where would i be, if someone didn't invent that? i would be outside searching for leaves.
i feel like society has evolved past the age of self-discovery. it's like...first we invented all of the "necessities" to better our lives and make them easier...so that we could think about things. so that we could focus on more than just surviving. and maybe that age has passed us. maybe people like wagner and mahler and schopenhauer and freud and all of them...maybe they were the "thinking" period and some of us are just left over. i think we have evolved past the need for thought. there is no place for it anymore. are these people no longer trapped in their subconscious or something? do they not experience these episodes as i do? are they free? or are they just in denial?
i want things in my life that can be categorized as surfacy. i do. i want to date, and i want to have fun. but at the same time, i end up destroying all of these things because i think too much. so i feel like they need to be intertwined with my life. i think i need to be a complete individual at all times. this unsaid understanding to the degree of understanding that is possible. i often times blame my environment for things. while environment can play a huge part in anything and everything, i think it is also mainly internal.
i have no idea how long i am going to write. i don't really see the point in stopping because usually when i stop writing something, well...that's not true...because i never have a point. what i was going to say was that usually when i write i stop writing when i come to my conclusion, but that was a blatant lie because most of the time when i write i just ramble forever and hope that sometime my fingers and mind will need to stop, and thus, i conclude my writing. that sounded like a final statement. it wasn't. it was an example of one i think.
below where i am typing it says. "Labels for this post: e.g. scooters, vacation, fall." what would i label this? insanity? no. this is indeed a scooter. good show, blogspot. you have read my mind.
i wonder if i would think people like me were phonies when i met them. i wonder how much of what i'm saying is actually what i want. i say that i need to be engulfed in art and what i feel and surrounded by people who are with me, but how many of those people are just fake? and how fake would i appear to them? sometimes i feel so goddamn fake it is disgusting. what is it that i have shown to demonstrate that i am not a goddamn phony. holden caufield would look right through me.
there are two purposes of art. to entertain. and to expose feeling. at least that is how i understand it. i guess another way of thinking of it is finding truth. a lot of artists have abandoned this. at least that's how i like to think of it. because...so many things in "art" now are so surface...and if i let myself believe that they are truly involved in art for arts sake...the "deeper fulfillment and understanding" it provides...it just makes me realize how shallow and braindead our society is becoming. and i feel like i am completely full of shit when i say things like this, because what in the hell am i doing that is any different from anyone else? i wish i knew how, you know? i wish i fucking knew what it was that i was meant to do. but i don't want to be under the impression that i am "destined" to do something specific. a part of me is destroyed by the acknowledgement of a possible "destiny." the idea of "fate" is also one that blows my mind to bits. i struggle with this concepts a great deal. i'm almost certain that i can't throw them out of my mind completely.
art. writing is an art. it's interesting to think of it as an art, because it is words. if writing is an art, then wouldn't speaking be one as well? wouldn't everything we do be considered an art? or is art only art if it's intentional? and if it is intentional, is it not just humanity? so then...isn't art just humanity? therefore we live for art because art is living itself.
these are such dramatic concepts. the sad thing is i am not aiming for the dramatics. i am just ... i need to get this out. i don't mean i need to purge my system, because it will forever be a part of me, but i feel like i need to just. i need. what the hell do i need? i am just rambling. is there a time when i don't ramble? and the thing is. there is a time when i don't ramble. i just sit there in complete silence. but it isn't silent in my mind. my thoughts race like olympic athletes. only typically they never make it to the finish line because my thoughts are the kind that fuck up their ankles and never recover to make it to through the race. HA. fucking. a. eh? jersey? canada?
i need to travel. i need to travel and i don't know why. am i chasing something, or running away? why do people do what they do? what pushes them to live their lives in the way that they choose? what is actually important? i think these things are self defined, and yet so many people do not live their own lives. they get sucked into the gears of society. their purpose does not end up being for themselves, but instead for the propelment of society itself. i keep creating words with "ment" at the end instead of "ing." i like ment better, so that's my excuse.
but yes. we live in america, yes? well...not all of us, obviously. but americans are the biggest feeders into society. here we are in the presumably "free" country, and yet we are the most sucked into grouping ourselves. we may have "individualism" and what not, but...everyone ends up searching for their place to fit. i don't think there is a such thing as the individual sometimes, we are all part of something bigger than ourselves. i think we live under this false sense of uniqueness but ... the idea of self actualization is also one that completely destroys my logical skills. i feel like in order to achieve it...i feel like there is no way you can obtain "self-actualization" without the presence of someone else. i feel like human emotions are the meaning of life because they are the only thing that can last longer than time itself. events pass, but for some reason we have this "emotional side" that lingers long after everything around us changes. it is the only thing that is actually personal and characteristic only to ourselves. so wouldn't that be the soul? wouldn't that be the meaning inside of you? and i feel like that is the only way to achieve complete self-actualization. the final step perhaps. but i think people who are so keen in reaching it are the ones who will fail most definitely. how can you live your life, truly, when you are so worried about living it the way you need to to "find yourself."
what the hell am i talking about? i don't know. i am worried. i am worried about my future. i don't really want money. i don't really want fame. i feel like...media has destroyed humanity, and yet at the same time is bringing it together. i hate the separation between the "famous" and the "other." i feel like in order to live my life i need to break into the fame circle, just to be around the people i will be able to connect with. that's all i really want to do...
jesus god. my head is ready to explode. i'm taking classes this semester. 2 of them are on film and such. well, one is a film viewing/discussing class. the other is media script writing. what kind of nonsense do you think will flow from my fingertips? bloody hell. this headache. alcohol is not this bad. maybe i should start drinking. just kidding. almost.
i have no money. i have no job, no escape. i feel like what i am in need of expulsing (i have begun creating words with "ing" now, instead of ment) could really be powerful, if i could release it in some way. i wish i could let go of it through music, but i don't know.
why do i become so offended by people sometimes. i just started crying again. i feel completely helpless and yet empowered. i am losing my mind. or finding it. i honestly think that it is impossible to truly live in the world today. everything is a roadblock on the road to truth. and like. some things... some things that i don't feel are important, actually are. for instance, i would not feel fulfilled with my life if i invented toilet paper. and yet i really need it to wipe my ass right now. so where would i be, if someone didn't invent that? i would be outside searching for leaves.
i feel like society has evolved past the age of self-discovery. it's like...first we invented all of the "necessities" to better our lives and make them easier...so that we could think about things. so that we could focus on more than just surviving. and maybe that age has passed us. maybe people like wagner and mahler and schopenhauer and freud and all of them...maybe they were the "thinking" period and some of us are just left over. i think we have evolved past the need for thought. there is no place for it anymore. are these people no longer trapped in their subconscious or something? do they not experience these episodes as i do? are they free? or are they just in denial?
i want things in my life that can be categorized as surfacy. i do. i want to date, and i want to have fun. but at the same time, i end up destroying all of these things because i think too much. so i feel like they need to be intertwined with my life. i think i need to be a complete individual at all times. this unsaid understanding to the degree of understanding that is possible. i often times blame my environment for things. while environment can play a huge part in anything and everything, i think it is also mainly internal.
i have no idea how long i am going to write. i don't really see the point in stopping because usually when i stop writing something, well...that's not true...because i never have a point. what i was going to say was that usually when i write i stop writing when i come to my conclusion, but that was a blatant lie because most of the time when i write i just ramble forever and hope that sometime my fingers and mind will need to stop, and thus, i conclude my writing. that sounded like a final statement. it wasn't. it was an example of one i think.
below where i am typing it says. "Labels for this post: e.g. scooters, vacation, fall." what would i label this? insanity? no. this is indeed a scooter. good show, blogspot. you have read my mind.
i wonder if i would think people like me were phonies when i met them. i wonder how much of what i'm saying is actually what i want. i say that i need to be engulfed in art and what i feel and surrounded by people who are with me, but how many of those people are just fake? and how fake would i appear to them? sometimes i feel so goddamn fake it is disgusting. what is it that i have shown to demonstrate that i am not a goddamn phony. holden caufield would look right through me.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
the incomplete entry of 2008
i haven't written here in a while. this is mainly because i have been staying up all hours of the night for no reason at all. ah, brendan just signed online. interesting. i was just writing on his facebook a million times. there will be a pause in this entry. please excuse me.
eqmi5. i 5hink think that meant dammit. i'm tired. boo, it's 4am. i have to go to bed. 412 actually. my brothers birthday. omkay . wowi am stroating to lost me typing abilityis. abiej;afi;l that wasnt supposed to be a workd, just an outbrust. i cant really see what im typing anyway because i have one of my eyes closed and the other one just keeps drifting in and out of sleep. AHHH. i will write tomorrow though. i have been putting it off, and i dont know why. jason mraz hasn't updated in a while either. maybe i'm a poser. okay. goodngiht.
eqmi5. i 5hink think that meant dammit. i'm tired. boo, it's 4am. i have to go to bed. 412 actually. my brothers birthday. omkay . wowi am stroating to lost me typing abilityis. abiej;afi;l that wasnt supposed to be a workd, just an outbrust. i cant really see what im typing anyway because i have one of my eyes closed and the other one just keeps drifting in and out of sleep. AHHH. i will write tomorrow though. i have been putting it off, and i dont know why. jason mraz hasn't updated in a while either. maybe i'm a poser. okay. goodngiht.
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