i am a fatass.

hello internet. hello blogspot. hello jenna.


so i have decided that this is the time to reach out and take hold of my dreams. fulfill every part of myself that yearns for something greater. i am ready. and i am going to.

so guess what i did today, to achieve these things:
slept. a lot. took a nap that lasted more than 4 hours. i had a migraine...
i ate about half a box of generic cheez-its.
made babies on facebook.

i am a fatass.

don't believe me? here is a glimpse at what i look like today.

i know that i've looked worse, but this is still pretty extreme.

i did listen to a lot of tunes though. a lot of them. very detailed listening actually, probably the hardest i've ever listened to music in my life. i am beginning to pick out the elements that make songs what they are, and what gives artists their individualized sound.



i had to post that. it is gorgeous.

so is this:
4:23:27 AM TheDani463: there are times i wonder if i have anything original to offer
4:23:50 AM TheDani463: like i'm noticing i have all these new mannerisms because of someone i'm working with right now
4:24:16 AM TheDani463: i feel very strange
4:24:21 AM TheDani463: a lot of the times
4:26:11 AM TheDani463: and i wanted to say this earlier, like before you mentioned the stadium, i love you, you're one of the most interesting people i've ever met, i don't think i'll ever figure you out completely and that makes me want to know you for a long time... sometimes i wish our history was better/different because i wonder where we'd be in terms of our friendship or relationship, who knows.... i'm just thankful you still talk to me

and this:
4:34:51 AM TheDani463: you rape my brain lindsay
4:34:54 AM TheDani463: and i love you for it

i think that is one of the biggest compliments i have ever received. it makes me very happy to know people feel that way. i certainly do.

here's another picture from my pointless collection: (i really like colons today. weird that i just have to pee.)

random things i say that i keep for lyrics

11:58:05 AM lindsay: but there are no real people at the school anymore
11:58:13 AM lindsay: its all gone
11:58:20 AM lindsay: then again i think maybe fake is the new real
11:58:25 AM lindsay: in which case, i am an illusion
12:04:30 PM lindsay: dont worry, i expect no pennies for my thoughts, save them for the wishing fountains

i think of you when spontaneity strikes. what a fucking miserable word to spell without spell check. haha just hold your breath and jump in i guess.

don't worry, he's on his way back to you. i was just an "after these messages," but you are the main attraction.

whenever i feel like i am trying to find th tonal center to the chord of my life i tend to seek you out. ps vowels are who we are, u & i. see what i did there.



don't worry he's coming back to you
i was just an "after these messages" but you are the main attraction
but i should be a double feature.

after these messages.

I am sitting here at my computer trying to figure out the words to write onto this thing. i was concocting this elaborate scheme of thoughts in the moments my fingers began to fly across the keys of my letterboard machinery, but all of the things i was planning on writing were lies. not earth shattering untruths that would alter the state of human existence or anything...just subtle things like lying and saying "as i sit here and stare at the screen, my thoughts race." when i am actually, in fact, staring at the keys. of course when i write that i begin looking at the screen. so who the fuck can win, anyway? certainly not i.

tonight was an interesting night. i could say that almost every night. again, i would be lying.

but tonight was, indeed, interesting to many, pleasant for some, unpleasant for others still.

i went to a hookah bar tonight. i also went to a diner. twice. i could live at a diner, in the smoking section. i don't smoke. and yet, i sit there in the smoking section, aching for someone of interesting proportions, mentally or psychologically or metaphorically...whatever you want to call it, to appear in that tiny section between the street and the nonsmokers. there is glass separating us from the racing cars, of course, but if you look hard enough through the grime of the fingers that were placed on it before yours, you can almost feel the wind and the puddles splashing on your tired, smoke burdened face.

i guess what i am trying to say is that the only thing interesting about the smoking section was us. i survived the cancerous second hand smoke for hours tonight. i braved through the cancer causing particles. and for what? just to interest myself. and yet i'd do it all again. if it didn't make me smell so outrageously bad. no, i'd still do it again. and i'm sure i will.

jenna was with me tonight/today. for all of it. hello, jenna. i hope you are reading this thoroughly.

dani came down today. i wrote about him in an earlier entry, but that was lost in the oblivion of cyberspace. some microchip out there is reading this long misery driven story laiden with heartbreak and treachery. i hope you enjoy it. don't steal it. the rough copy of the script of my life is copyrighted by yours truly. and again, i am lying. i have never copyrighted anything in my life. nor patented anything. i should have, since i invented melodrama itself. holla.

i had to start a new paragraph because i kept wanting to write "copywrite" instead of "copyright." i felt like if i started a new paragraph i would be able to ween myself from this misinformed habit (which i ALWAYS spell with 2 b's...as if some day the spellchecker will suddenly recognize its' mistake and correct it in accordance to my own mental dictionary.)

(this is an edit. but. look at this photo. i took a picture of myself producing actual tears.)



(okay, returning to the blog now.)

this blogger keeps popping up with exclamatory messages of saving the draft of my tales. it is lying. it doesn't save shit. it misleads me and sends my thought off to the man. damn the man. that's right, i referenced the film. i did it. everyone does it. it is so cliche. just like life. haaa.

speaking of that film (for those of you who don't know which one...i almost said can't hardly wait. that would have been a lie. i can't stop them from flowing. but the true answer is "empire records.") the characters were incredible, and yet none of them were developed to the extent in which i think they should have been. perhaps that was the point of the film? to just leave it on this sort of...surface-like, edgy, faux deep note? and yes, the a film is automatically deep when it includes underage drinking, sex, drug use, suicidal thoughts, and music. out of control man, totally out of control. oh...and money problems.

have you ever tried to glue money to the floor? i think there is a lot of intellectual change glued to the roof of my brain right now. i think i put it there years ago, and now my brain is spazzing out because it is in need of a fix. i am fighting to spring the change loose and put it to use. look at me rhyming like doctor seuss. that one was unintentional. yes...i AM that amazing.

when i used to write things, many years ago, even today...who am i kidding, i NEVER separated anything. this one i am going a bit overboard. none of my thoughts flow at all. what makes me not separate every sentence?

or

every

word

even.

i kid.


but seriously. i wish i could just get jason mraz lyrics and music out of my head. it's becoming difficult to create music of my own, since everything my brain is producing is reproductions.

my nose hurts. honestly. this is one thing that i can not lie about. there are other things, but...this is one that will never be a lie. ever. you see, i am allergic to kleenex. it's very sad.

"or how they called you FOXY. well that's another whole box of pandora's. that's another whole box of them ties." - the jason mraz lyrics that keep playing over and over in my head.

i'm going to publish this and then continue.


okay, i have returned. this is full of shit btw. it says it is 12:19am. it is 3:40am. i have no idea what kind of time system it must be on. i may lie like a rug, but this lies like a flying carpet. that has been nailed to the floor. it FIGHTS not to lie, but still must.

so i said some things tonight. i sent this one girl this message. i said: he's coming back to you now, don't worry. i was just the "after these messages" but you are the main attraction.

i also said, to someone else, obviously: every time i feel like searching for the tonal center to the chord of my life i tend to seek you out.

i hope they enjoyed those messages. i hope they chuckled and smirked at what a wordsmith i am. a maker of strings of words. words...whatever those are.

i am very very tired, and i just got barracuda in my head. i like that song. i played it on guitar hero once.

i was about to write "it's funny how life works." but it's not. because it doesn't. if life worked so well, it wouldn't inevitably end. you don't say a clock works when it is more frozen than a sherbet pop in the ice box of your childhood. you just don't.

maybe life is that dino push-up pop. i know you said "die-no" when you read it the first time, and then went back when you realized it wasn't the beginning of "dinosaur" and was actually "dee-no". it's okay, i did it too. and i was writing it for chrissake. push-up pops. wow. here is a visual, in case you are at a loss for one. i would take a picture of the one in my mind, but i don't have my artillery of scalpels and the light from my photo booth would hurt my eyes at this hour.




the orange ones really hit the spot. it's funny that i am so drawn to the flintstones (omg. the fire...stones...flintstones...cave people...cave people made fire. holy shit. when...when did this idea first begin to blossom? that is ingenius.) tonight. earlier i said "DOUBLE BAM!" for no reason. that translated to the ones around me as an outcry for bam-bam. don't worry pebbles, i will not tread on your turf. just call me cobblestone. i've been in place on the road so long that i've almost become it.









i hope you watched that relationship quickly progress and became as remarkably depressed as i did. i thought that bat was for beating, double bam! oh how quickly you traded it in for a diamond ring.

one of those pictures wouldn't show up because of site rights. i'm going to pretend it is the reason the wedding had to happen. shotgun. and there is no car in sight.

i am really glad jenna and i have started talking more, about deeper things. i have always been able to go out and act odd with her, but i knew there was something more that needed to be. tonight was splendid for that reason. and i can rest assured that we will live together in the future. i think it will help us both immensely on our spiritual journeys into ourselves. i am strong enough now to not fall apart completely, and yet still vulnerable enough to not be strong.

i'm really glad justin leigh texted me back. i am really glad i called him. i don't know what my mom is going to say to me about anything, but that is fine. i am getting a job soon, so i can pay for things like insurance and the useless necessities. right now one of those could be sleeves, because i am freezing.

i really am glad though. he is the first person i am going to hunt down in person when i move out. he's one of my soul mates, and i don't say that lightly. or sexually. he just is. we share a spirit. i don't know...it's complicated. that will be another post in itself.

as will an explanation of dani.

i am tired now. here is another random picture from my collection for you to enjoy:



ps. my lungs hurt.

well well well...and so it (re)begins.

this picture doesn't go with the rest of my entry at all. i just wanted to post it. it makes me feel cool.

writing a paper for cp III

This started out as a response to Chris but it started to get long, so I made it my own post:



I absolutely thought I was going to lose it in lab. I don't know if it is because my philosophy is drastically different from some of the people who spoke or what, but I felt as if many people in lab were completely discrediting critical pedagogy in their opinions. It's not our job as educators to expose our students to reality? I would believe the opposite. I would say that it is not our job as educators to SHELTER our students. School is supposed to be a place of mind expansion, a place where students are given the tools to think for themselves and form their own opinions. How can we go into a school environment and pretend we are going to foster this sort of experience if we are just going to sit there and censor everything that is actually a part of their current reality? It is completely backwards to me. I have been fighting a lot of these internal battles for a while now. I sit around and think that when I'm a teacher I will have to conform to a degree, so that I don't lose my job. However, I don't know if I will be able to. I think I will have to teach elementary where these severe internal dilemmas won't take on such a huge role. I'm not saying that teaching elementary doesn't have its own challenges, because it certainly does, but I think being there for the students' musical development when the individual isn't growing as much philosophically may be an easier place to actually give them all that you can give without running into problems with administration. For me, music is the pathway to the self. I say for me as to not generalize, but I am certainly not the only person ever to have felt this way. As we heard in choir during one of Lindsey Christiansen's lectures, Schopenhauer believed that music was the only thing that was the embodiment of the human will--- all other art forms and communications were developed in order to express this will in an abstract, while music was close enough to actually BEING the will itself. It is such a beautiful and intriguing concept. We are going into the world and sharing this incredibly powerful piece of life with a younger generation. Music is so much a part of us that I sometimes don't think "teaching" it is as much the point as fostering personal growth THROUGH music. Music IS personal. Music IS powerful. Music IS emotional. Why must we try to dumb it down and teach it as a black and white subject? It is interwoven into all facets of life, and is found in every organism. We are denying the very basic elements of humanity by deciding to close off music that actually exposes the thoughts and emotions of the youth of society. We can sit around and say that the music isn't "quality" and whip out TONS of examples which we feel are...BUT we can not discredit what is around us. Popular music consumes the consumers. Knowing this we can not ignore it, or censor it, or ban it from schools. Do we honestly believe that by keeping something out of the schools we are keeping it out of the lives of students? Are we really that naive? As one of my friends often says, it is like abstinence only sex education. I have never agreed more. I still believe very strongly in the exposure to classical music, but I feel like we should go about classical music as if it were popular music. We should talk about more of the human features of classical music and use the inevitable emotional connection to music as the link between genres. This is clearly a philosophical rant, and there is a lot more in me, but I am going to stop myself for now.
are we hypocrites for believing in both multicultural "authenticity" and censorship?

Okay everyone, I have a question to pose. I don't know if this came up in class last week or not, because I was sick, but let us talk about popular music and multiculturalism for a moment. We've had heated discussions in class about multiculturalism and the importance of "authenticity" blah blah blah. We've also had rather heated debates on the role of popular music in the classroom, and the issue of censorship. Here is an interesting thing to think about. We worry so much about producing "authentic" (yes, some of our definitions are probably contradicting, but that's another story altogether) music from other cultures...so why do we shut out the music of our own? Dun dun duuuun. Does this put any sort of spin on your attitudes toward censorship of popular music in the classroom? Should we ignore our own society, as it happens around us, and then still claim to be heavily interested in accurately representing the music of another culture? Please, chew on this and spit out whatever you'd like.