why the hell can i not focus on my work? i just want to go outside and be in central park. i shouldn't have gone to ny this weekend because now i can't stand not being there. i miss will and the streets and...yes...the subway. here i sit in my comfortable little suburban home, and i just want to be in a crappy apartment looking into the smog filled streets. i'm restless. i should be working on my script. my computer just started making exploding noises again. i think it is trying to mirror my discomfort. and now it's making me angry. angry enough to shut it off to shut it up.
i'll write more later i'm sure.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Friday, March 21, 2008
optical delusion of consciousness
i am impossible to love.
it is too difficult and painful to love me, and therefore it shall never be done. i fear greatly that my position in life mirrors that of jane austen herself. filled with love but unloveable. this shouldn't bother me so, but much to my misfortune, i am human- perhaps worse, a woman. a woman who carries with her this aching heart of emotions much like a business man his briefcase.
i am lucky though. very lucky. my heart no longer breaks for one person, but instead for all men. anyone is capable of destroying another, but it's much worse to destroy yourself. i am not sure where i am going with this. i hate watching films that are about love in its' own light. love is this all-consuming energy that somehow stands on its' own and i don't think it should be. but my thoughts don't matter in that sense.
do not get me wrong, i am not currently in love. and i do not mourn the loss of it either, rather i mourn the birth of it. i do not exactly mean this either, but its' overwhelming power exhausts me. i am quite happy to not be under its' spell at the moment or i would be even more tired.
my life is quite the confusing mess, sorted out bi-weekly it seems with a new blast of vitality. but i am starting to realise, or moreso acknowledge, that this trend is not of my own person but of humanity as a whole. the struggle i face is not unique to myself but is one shared by the masses.
Dr. Albert Einstein;
"A human being is part of a whole, called by us the 'Universe', a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest- a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circles of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."
does this not destroy, in a large sense, the idea of the individual? does this concept of existence not tear down the walls of the Self?
"Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circles of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."
this is something i have been taking in over the past few weeks. this new found mindset. i keep writing of it, but not nearly as frequently as it is in my thoughts. is the Self the prison einstein speaks of? because as my interpretation concludes, the Self is what restricts us from actual experience of life. so does this mean destruction of the Self is necessary? is this the plan behind such messages as those in fight club? i keep pondering the importance of the individual to society. i think it is absolutely true that we are confined by our own obsession with our Selves and that which is immediately before us, but i also believe that the development of the Self is necessary in order to be able to expand to something on a greater level. perhaps this is what einstein meant? perhaps he did not mean to be so anti-Individual as to call for an expansion from the quite significant core of the Self. it is true, however, that if one focuses too intensely on their own Self and not at all on the world around them, they will never reach the point in self-actualization where they are able to expand outwards. perhaps the idea of self-actualization in itself is mislabelled, and instead should be deemed human-actualization, or to take it further- simply actualization.
it is too difficult and painful to love me, and therefore it shall never be done. i fear greatly that my position in life mirrors that of jane austen herself. filled with love but unloveable. this shouldn't bother me so, but much to my misfortune, i am human- perhaps worse, a woman. a woman who carries with her this aching heart of emotions much like a business man his briefcase.
i am lucky though. very lucky. my heart no longer breaks for one person, but instead for all men. anyone is capable of destroying another, but it's much worse to destroy yourself. i am not sure where i am going with this. i hate watching films that are about love in its' own light. love is this all-consuming energy that somehow stands on its' own and i don't think it should be. but my thoughts don't matter in that sense.
do not get me wrong, i am not currently in love. and i do not mourn the loss of it either, rather i mourn the birth of it. i do not exactly mean this either, but its' overwhelming power exhausts me. i am quite happy to not be under its' spell at the moment or i would be even more tired.
my life is quite the confusing mess, sorted out bi-weekly it seems with a new blast of vitality. but i am starting to realise, or moreso acknowledge, that this trend is not of my own person but of humanity as a whole. the struggle i face is not unique to myself but is one shared by the masses.
Dr. Albert Einstein;
"A human being is part of a whole, called by us the 'Universe', a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest- a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circles of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."
does this not destroy, in a large sense, the idea of the individual? does this concept of existence not tear down the walls of the Self?
"Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circles of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."
this is something i have been taking in over the past few weeks. this new found mindset. i keep writing of it, but not nearly as frequently as it is in my thoughts. is the Self the prison einstein speaks of? because as my interpretation concludes, the Self is what restricts us from actual experience of life. so does this mean destruction of the Self is necessary? is this the plan behind such messages as those in fight club? i keep pondering the importance of the individual to society. i think it is absolutely true that we are confined by our own obsession with our Selves and that which is immediately before us, but i also believe that the development of the Self is necessary in order to be able to expand to something on a greater level. perhaps this is what einstein meant? perhaps he did not mean to be so anti-Individual as to call for an expansion from the quite significant core of the Self. it is true, however, that if one focuses too intensely on their own Self and not at all on the world around them, they will never reach the point in self-actualization where they are able to expand outwards. perhaps the idea of self-actualization in itself is mislabelled, and instead should be deemed human-actualization, or to take it further- simply actualization.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
AOPFIJPAOISJD:LKJAHHHHHHHHHH!
i am NOT going to get upset over THIS picture!!!
that used to be my nose! that used to cuddle with me!!!!!!
WHATEVER. he's really not worth it. at all. and i have very much figured that out completely. but it still upsets you to see things like that when you are alone, you know? yes? no? YES? it does. but i'm not going there! he's a piece of shit! and he's disgusting and horrible! and he has no future! and this isn't just me bashing him because i'm upset (which i'm not really, but i am because i can't help being in the heat of the moment, but i'm genuinely not, just because) it is completely true. ew. like. ew.
i hate her, i hate him, I'M OVER IT!
THE FUCKING END.
that used to be my nose! that used to cuddle with me!!!!!!
WHATEVER. he's really not worth it. at all. and i have very much figured that out completely. but it still upsets you to see things like that when you are alone, you know? yes? no? YES? it does. but i'm not going there! he's a piece of shit! and he's disgusting and horrible! and he has no future! and this isn't just me bashing him because i'm upset (which i'm not really, but i am because i can't help being in the heat of the moment, but i'm genuinely not, just because) it is completely true. ew. like. ew.
i hate her, i hate him, I'M OVER IT!
THE FUCKING END.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
WANTED: HUMILITY
here is something i learned today.
You have to learn humility if you want to achieve greatness.
it seems like such a simple statement, but it's something that has taken me a long time to come to. (though i'm glad i came to this realization when i am 21 instead of later in life.) it's pretty mind altering. as i've written prior to this entry, i am going through this re-definement period. i am trying to create a new lifestyle for myself and i am living by a whole new mindset. it's so easy to get pushed off track though, and go back to what i've always done. when life throws shitty things at you it's easy to react and become discouraged. anger boils up and erupts. life is not fair. these things are totally true, but you can't let them get to you or you end up bringing yourself down. in life you are your only true enemy. everything around us affects us in one way or another, but it's how we take in all of these things that defines who we are and what we will become. i, my friends, have always appeared to be a pessimist. i'm not, nor have i ever been, really. i'm sarcastic because it's funny, and i am bitter at times because the world is full of injustice and stupidity. it's the wrong approach though- to appear bitter. these are the attitudes that build roadblocks around issues instead of plowing through them.
there are simple things i've been doing to try to aid in my personal transformation. i have always wanted to lose weight and get in shape. i'm not saying this as a completely material minded person. i don't fully judge the world based on the outside. but what i will say is that a complete transformation is afoot- mind, body, and soul. there are also some very psychological changes that will be helped by this physical improvement. physical health isn't just about looking hot, it's about being able to go out into the world in a way i never have. i want to be able to go out into the world and conquer it. i don't want physical limitations holding me back. i want to go out and adventure like hell. you are your own vessel of experiences, and you are responsible for the journeys will take. so i definitely want to lose about 20-30lbs or so and then build muscle muscle muscle! hopefully i will get down to a weight where my speedos will fit again and i can start swimming again. i am doing it right this time. i am making reasonable goals and feeling good about it. even if progress is somewhat slow, it is permanent. my asthma is already a million times better. i don't even have to use my inhaler when i'm running anymore! that probably sounds simple to anyone who is reading this, but i have horrible exercise enduced asthma, especially in the cold.
two years from now jenna is graduating. by the end of that summer we are going to be moving in together. that summer we have to roadtrip like hell. i want to be fit so i can go out to cali and learn to surf. all my life i have been exclaiming that i hate the beach. i don't think this is true. i hide behind my insecurities and am keeping myself from experiencing great parts of life. if the reason i don't go to the beach is because i am self conscious, either get over it or get to work! and so, that is what i am doing. Summer 2010 won't know what hit it. country-wide road trip from sea to shining sea. learning to surf on the cali beaches, lollapalooza, my own place... and yet so much has to happen before that time.
i don't even know if it's working. i don't know if i'm losing weight. i run about 4 miles a day, and i've been trying to eat healthy, but that's about it. i decided not to weigh myself until the 1st of the month, but that's 2 weeks away, and i want to know! haha this post is becoming less and less focused and inspirational, so i'm gonna go. i'll probably write more later, but for now i must run. literally.
You have to learn humility if you want to achieve greatness.
it seems like such a simple statement, but it's something that has taken me a long time to come to. (though i'm glad i came to this realization when i am 21 instead of later in life.) it's pretty mind altering. as i've written prior to this entry, i am going through this re-definement period. i am trying to create a new lifestyle for myself and i am living by a whole new mindset. it's so easy to get pushed off track though, and go back to what i've always done. when life throws shitty things at you it's easy to react and become discouraged. anger boils up and erupts. life is not fair. these things are totally true, but you can't let them get to you or you end up bringing yourself down. in life you are your only true enemy. everything around us affects us in one way or another, but it's how we take in all of these things that defines who we are and what we will become. i, my friends, have always appeared to be a pessimist. i'm not, nor have i ever been, really. i'm sarcastic because it's funny, and i am bitter at times because the world is full of injustice and stupidity. it's the wrong approach though- to appear bitter. these are the attitudes that build roadblocks around issues instead of plowing through them.
there are simple things i've been doing to try to aid in my personal transformation. i have always wanted to lose weight and get in shape. i'm not saying this as a completely material minded person. i don't fully judge the world based on the outside. but what i will say is that a complete transformation is afoot- mind, body, and soul. there are also some very psychological changes that will be helped by this physical improvement. physical health isn't just about looking hot, it's about being able to go out into the world in a way i never have. i want to be able to go out into the world and conquer it. i don't want physical limitations holding me back. i want to go out and adventure like hell. you are your own vessel of experiences, and you are responsible for the journeys will take. so i definitely want to lose about 20-30lbs or so and then build muscle muscle muscle! hopefully i will get down to a weight where my speedos will fit again and i can start swimming again. i am doing it right this time. i am making reasonable goals and feeling good about it. even if progress is somewhat slow, it is permanent. my asthma is already a million times better. i don't even have to use my inhaler when i'm running anymore! that probably sounds simple to anyone who is reading this, but i have horrible exercise enduced asthma, especially in the cold.
two years from now jenna is graduating. by the end of that summer we are going to be moving in together. that summer we have to roadtrip like hell. i want to be fit so i can go out to cali and learn to surf. all my life i have been exclaiming that i hate the beach. i don't think this is true. i hide behind my insecurities and am keeping myself from experiencing great parts of life. if the reason i don't go to the beach is because i am self conscious, either get over it or get to work! and so, that is what i am doing. Summer 2010 won't know what hit it. country-wide road trip from sea to shining sea. learning to surf on the cali beaches, lollapalooza, my own place... and yet so much has to happen before that time.
i don't even know if it's working. i don't know if i'm losing weight. i run about 4 miles a day, and i've been trying to eat healthy, but that's about it. i decided not to weigh myself until the 1st of the month, but that's 2 weeks away, and i want to know! haha this post is becoming less and less focused and inspirational, so i'm gonna go. i'll probably write more later, but for now i must run. literally.
hapE
i am just ridiculously content. i got my mraz tickets finally, am having excellent interactions with this really hip kid from poland and being introduced to music i'd otherwise never find, and i am back in communication with will knox.
it was just a very good day.
too bad i didn't get more work done. but i'll just go to bed so i can do it tomorrow! that reminds me of this video. hahahahahaha you should definitely check out the rest of his stuff after you watch this one.
it was just a very good day.
too bad i didn't get more work done. but i'll just go to bed so i can do it tomorrow! that reminds me of this video. hahahahahaha you should definitely check out the rest of his stuff after you watch this one.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
aoiejfo;aisjdkl; FRUSTRATION!
heyyyy
i am trying to keep myself occupied and not think about how badly i have to go to the bathroom.
see, jason mraz tickets went on pre-sale today through his website. i woke up and situated myself on the computer all ready for purchasing.
they sold out in less than ONE MINUTE.
that's right people. mraz tickets sold out in less than one minute. the one time i've ever tried to deal with a pre-sale, and i have failed.
HOWEVER. there IS another pre-sale that starts at 11. 12 minutes from now. through ticketweb.
but i really have to go to the bathroom. i really...really...seriously...must go.
but i won't! i will prevail! there are people counting on me. people who desperately want to see mraz as well. and i cannot let them down.
i just looked at the clock. still 12 minutes. i thought it would at least be 11 minutes to go. ahhh, there we go.
this is going to look really odd when i publish it. it's so disjointed. every sentence practically has its' own line. i just had the urge to start another "paragraph" but i resisted. no more paragraph breaks here on in!
10 minutes.
dammit! i couldn't help it. my mom was just reaming me out, trying to figure out why i go to "all of these concerts." she walked down and touched the other computer that i have all of the ticket stuff up on and i almost freaked out. haha i'm also deleting a million text messages from dani. i guess this is a good time for me to get things done as i feverishly wait. yes, you can wait with speed...or impatience.
6 minutes.
but i don't really go to "all of these concerts." i go to very few. i was supposed to go to ingrid michaelson, and matt pond pa, and drink up buttercup with illinois, and ----- OMG SO I GOT INTO THE PRE-SALE and there is no where to select how many tickets you want! i'm FREAKING OUT! it's not working! i tried it on both computers! it keeps telling me i have to select the number of tickets i want, but there is no option! what the HELL man?? why does the world not want me to see him play? i'm hoping it's because it's only 10:58 and they just didn't finish opening it yet.
i am trying to keep myself occupied and not think about how badly i have to go to the bathroom.
see, jason mraz tickets went on pre-sale today through his website. i woke up and situated myself on the computer all ready for purchasing.
they sold out in less than ONE MINUTE.
that's right people. mraz tickets sold out in less than one minute. the one time i've ever tried to deal with a pre-sale, and i have failed.
HOWEVER. there IS another pre-sale that starts at 11. 12 minutes from now. through ticketweb.
but i really have to go to the bathroom. i really...really...seriously...must go.
but i won't! i will prevail! there are people counting on me. people who desperately want to see mraz as well. and i cannot let them down.
i just looked at the clock. still 12 minutes. i thought it would at least be 11 minutes to go. ahhh, there we go.
this is going to look really odd when i publish it. it's so disjointed. every sentence practically has its' own line. i just had the urge to start another "paragraph" but i resisted. no more paragraph breaks here on in!
10 minutes.
dammit! i couldn't help it. my mom was just reaming me out, trying to figure out why i go to "all of these concerts." she walked down and touched the other computer that i have all of the ticket stuff up on and i almost freaked out. haha i'm also deleting a million text messages from dani. i guess this is a good time for me to get things done as i feverishly wait. yes, you can wait with speed...or impatience.
6 minutes.
but i don't really go to "all of these concerts." i go to very few. i was supposed to go to ingrid michaelson, and matt pond pa, and drink up buttercup with illinois, and ----- OMG SO I GOT INTO THE PRE-SALE and there is no where to select how many tickets you want! i'm FREAKING OUT! it's not working! i tried it on both computers! it keeps telling me i have to select the number of tickets i want, but there is no option! what the HELL man?? why does the world not want me to see him play? i'm hoping it's because it's only 10:58 and they just didn't finish opening it yet.
Monday, March 17, 2008
message to mraz
i'll probably send you a message via some other medium (not that you'd be more likely to read it there), but i started reading your blog by accident a few months ago when it updated on my facebook, and it has literally changed my life.
okay, so it wasn't JUST your blog, but i credit it very much. i respect you a lot as a musician, and i guess that's where it all began, but it wasn't until i started reading your blog that it all came together for me. suddenly your music was more powerful and i just felt so spiritually connected to you, your music, myself, and the rest of the world. i see you very much as representation of how life should be. i don't mean specific thoughts, experiences, career choices, etc. (though many of those do line up with my own) but i mean your approach to life. i am on this path of extreme self-discovery and re-definement, which is definitely nothing new, but now it feels very positive and actually headed somewhere. i have always been one to analyse my Self, my surroundings, life, the meaning of everything and anything... i've discovered a lot of truths through thought and experiences, and even though i'm still very young i know i have a strong sense of who i am as a person. before this point though, i was never really able to focus my energies in a positive way. i think this is why i am so tied to the arts. the arts have always acted as an outlet for everyone, particulary music. Schopenhauer believed that music was the only thing that was the embodiment of the human will--- all other art forms and communications were developed in order to express this will in an abstract, while music was close enough to actually BEING the will itself. how heavy is that? i'd say it is pretty damn heavy, but also accurate.
HOWEVER!
i feel like i have seen the light! even though music is such a heavy and passionate thing, it is such because it acts as a direct expression of the human soul. that CONNECTION itself is where the power lies, not within the topics. and i am finally letting go and realising that a less dramatic approach to understanding life and living it REALLY makes a huge difference. everything i'd think about seemed to turn overly dramatic and frustrating. life became this landfill of emotion; none of them recognizable to name, just piled on top of each other in a massive heap. i realise i'm being ridiculously dramatic now, but not in a negative sense! haha it's just that once you let go of all of the burdens and chip away all of the worry and misery within yourself, you are left with who you truly are. and i think it is THIS self that should really come through in music if it's going to be genuine. i'm obviously not saying that unhappiness never happens. it's one of the most basic human emotions. what i'm saying is that true emotion is the most powerful, and when you strip yourself down to the core it is more powerful when these emotions actually occur.
like so many for so long, i have been trapped in this consumer culture. i have been sucked into this downward spiral of technology and self-destruction. i can't stop feeling like tyler durden while i'm writing this. well, half of it. he'd be all for self-destruction, but whatever! it's true though. we have become prisoners of our own society. and your entries, for whatever reason, just help me see my own thoughts in a different light and guide them in a positive direction. they let me see that other people are feeling these same things and are finding it too difficult to not become part of a revolution of sorts.
i've been thinking these things for a while, obviously, so what made me decide to respond to this particular entry?
because you are completely right. we all have the power of our own presence in the world. so much could change if we all just became self-aware and able to stand on our own for the world we want. i have almost this cult-like feeling inside, but i don't care. we are all part of something greater and that's what makes our Selves so great. if this message could be presented to the world, even by the few, change would be inevitable. ideas spread like wildfire. thought is the greatest weapon. let's come together and use it.
so jason, i hope you end up reading this. and everyone else, i hope you read this as well. let's change the world, together.
Jason Mraz- either write a book (with these entries compiled even) or run for office.
okay, so it wasn't JUST your blog, but i credit it very much. i respect you a lot as a musician, and i guess that's where it all began, but it wasn't until i started reading your blog that it all came together for me. suddenly your music was more powerful and i just felt so spiritually connected to you, your music, myself, and the rest of the world. i see you very much as representation of how life should be. i don't mean specific thoughts, experiences, career choices, etc. (though many of those do line up with my own) but i mean your approach to life. i am on this path of extreme self-discovery and re-definement, which is definitely nothing new, but now it feels very positive and actually headed somewhere. i have always been one to analyse my Self, my surroundings, life, the meaning of everything and anything... i've discovered a lot of truths through thought and experiences, and even though i'm still very young i know i have a strong sense of who i am as a person. before this point though, i was never really able to focus my energies in a positive way. i think this is why i am so tied to the arts. the arts have always acted as an outlet for everyone, particulary music. Schopenhauer believed that music was the only thing that was the embodiment of the human will--- all other art forms and communications were developed in order to express this will in an abstract, while music was close enough to actually BEING the will itself. how heavy is that? i'd say it is pretty damn heavy, but also accurate.
HOWEVER!
i feel like i have seen the light! even though music is such a heavy and passionate thing, it is such because it acts as a direct expression of the human soul. that CONNECTION itself is where the power lies, not within the topics. and i am finally letting go and realising that a less dramatic approach to understanding life and living it REALLY makes a huge difference. everything i'd think about seemed to turn overly dramatic and frustrating. life became this landfill of emotion; none of them recognizable to name, just piled on top of each other in a massive heap. i realise i'm being ridiculously dramatic now, but not in a negative sense! haha it's just that once you let go of all of the burdens and chip away all of the worry and misery within yourself, you are left with who you truly are. and i think it is THIS self that should really come through in music if it's going to be genuine. i'm obviously not saying that unhappiness never happens. it's one of the most basic human emotions. what i'm saying is that true emotion is the most powerful, and when you strip yourself down to the core it is more powerful when these emotions actually occur.
like so many for so long, i have been trapped in this consumer culture. i have been sucked into this downward spiral of technology and self-destruction. i can't stop feeling like tyler durden while i'm writing this. well, half of it. he'd be all for self-destruction, but whatever! it's true though. we have become prisoners of our own society. and your entries, for whatever reason, just help me see my own thoughts in a different light and guide them in a positive direction. they let me see that other people are feeling these same things and are finding it too difficult to not become part of a revolution of sorts.
i've been thinking these things for a while, obviously, so what made me decide to respond to this particular entry?
because you are completely right. we all have the power of our own presence in the world. so much could change if we all just became self-aware and able to stand on our own for the world we want. i have almost this cult-like feeling inside, but i don't care. we are all part of something greater and that's what makes our Selves so great. if this message could be presented to the world, even by the few, change would be inevitable. ideas spread like wildfire. thought is the greatest weapon. let's come together and use it.
so jason, i hope you end up reading this. and everyone else, i hope you read this as well. let's change the world, together.
Jason Mraz- either write a book (with these entries compiled even) or run for office.
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