bill mick. gracing my life on 4/27.

Lindsay
no one is prettier than you are
2:30amLindsay
i mean that in the most positive way
2:32amLindsay
you can only be who you are
and i think what is most alluring about you is that you have no choice but to be who you are
you cant be something else.
its like, life is a dream, and you're stuck in it. but the dream is your identity and you play yourself
2:35amLindsay
i dont know. it's soothing how much you stick with your person even as youre battling it.
maybe i'm entirely wrong, but that's how i mostly feel about myself. only you are less/more of a phony than i am
i can't decide. i'd have to be more solid on what i think reality is.
Emmitt
sorry.. i was listening to my friends'audio project. i would sincerely appreciate anyone to promote me. there's a stiff guy that only books stereotypical folk acts.. 'i woke up dreaming that i was a butterfly or maybe i am a butterfly dreaming as a man..' i do my best not to fake. i feel poorer when i am giddy.. i see what it does..
awkwardness is the best for everything at the age i am..
2:39amLindsay
but your choice of words are so sickeningly perfect
that even people who have no idea what you are really trying to say would be drawn to them
they sound like blood drops of wisdom from siddhartha himself, or something
like. i can't imagine people hearing the things you say not feeling wiser because of it. and that's such a big draw for people. phonies and otherwise
2:40amEmmitt
i'm sorry. i am leaving the UARTS building now. leave the remainder of your thoughts in a personal message and i'll respond in the morning. goodnight. AHHAHAHAHA my sick words..i work on them because i am tired of people using words wrong. words kill quicker than actions..the rocks and stick and stones and bones are WRONG. i am re-reading siddhartha by hesse. man.. i have to go! i wish to keep talking.. but i must go. i'm sorry! g'nite!!
2:41amLindsay
haha its okay, byyye
2:41amEmmitt
how is it that your words are empowering me? i refuse to allow peoples words into my head! i am my self.. and no one else any more. mann. goodnight. i'm sorry!! my painful mind pushed words behind me.
2:42amLindsay
i like you bill mick. you always make me smile somehow. goodnight.


a private message? with all of my thoughts? they are playing hide and seek, and i'm not sure all of them will come out. we'll pray they don't. but for now i'll continue.

i began writing this to you in my head while i was walking to the bathroom, as i peed, and on my return trip to the computer. i hope i haven't lost too many of the thought in transit because they were quite good. the horrible thing about that is now i am having other thoughts that are covering up the old. it's frustrating.

there are certain people i have met throughout my life whom i feel deserve/need to make a difference in the world. you are one of those people. i am not sure what it is about you, but i feel like people would be drawn to you. and respect you. or at least they should. and they will.

my room smells. i'm not sure of what and i'm not sure of why. it almost smells like a library or something. that old book must. again, i'm not sure why.

there has been a severe outbreak of spider sightings in my house over the past few days. as i entered my dark room just now i took out my cell phone light and started gazing at the walls searching for more. then i realised i would be worse off if i found them and wouldn't be able to sleep. this is when i realised some things are better left unknown. (i hate when there are two sentences in a row using the same verb. it's one of my biggest pet-peeves ever. i don't know why i'm not going back and fixing it. AH.) when i say i realised it, i'm half lying. it's not something i am discovering for the first time, but rather something i continue to rediscover an infinite number of times throughout life. ignorance is bliss and all of that other fabulous bullshit. if you can be consciously ignorant in a non-negatory way then you may be onto something. ignorance is so often times linked with uncaring stigmatisms that i'm not sure i've ever witnessed it in the positive.

what am i saying.?

i wasn't even really planning on writing much in this and now it has turned into my journal.

i'm having trouble being comfortable in life for any extended period of time. i am never content with being content. i think the only way for me to content is to be discontent. otherwise it would be like giving up on what is left in the world to discover. i think it's funny when people set out to discover the world and are so disgustingly happy, as if the majority of the world that is out there to discover is somehow lovely. unluckily for those folk, most of life is pain. but at the same time, it's only really pain if you see it as such. again, that is hippie bullshit, because there is pain and suffering in the world that we can not even stop. that's something that has sort of always confused me about hippies. everything is all peace and love and happiness and fun times, as if they are unaware of the suffering around them, and yet they are/were the same people to rally for all of these intense causes. does this just mean that the suffering of others doesn't bog down their joy? wouldn't that make them assholes? sure, they are trying to bring other people into the world in their minds, but in the meantime...wouldn't that make them assholes? what the hell am i talking about now...

i'll write to venues and promote you. definitely no doubt there. as soon as this semester is over i will start sending things out. if they want you to play and you aren't around anymore because you are off touring the world with some dame, they will just have to deal. oh well for them, but that only makes you seem more bohemian and desirable. the word "tour" sounds oddly professional. even if it is just a nationwide starbucks hop. which would actually somehow depress me. i'm not a real big fan of the galactical deer.

i enjoy replacing words with their synonyms. it makes me feel trendy and accepted by the unaccepted.

why is outcast the new incrowd? and why do i feel more comfortable there? or do i just want to feel more comfortable there?

i should end this soon. i'm really tired, and my pet dragon is getting restless.

i'm lying. i don't even have a pet dragon. i do have a pink stuffed dragon that my friend brendan gave me once. we have quite an odd interaction. i named the dragon chloë sassafrass.

i just started drifting off to sleep with words circling in my brain. and then i heard my one cat, phoebe, meowing downstairs. i thought it was in my head. i thought i was dreaming in the style of david lynch again. or bergman. i just watched "wild strawberries" on wednesday, i believe that's what it's called, and his dreams in it are pretty intense. there's no way lynch can deny being influenced by him. i enjoyed it.

alright, i'm passing out before i accidentally delete this whole thing, or it starts making sense... i just started typing on all of the wrong keys. woooooo!

goodnight duke of the uke.
and yes, i stole that from a jason mraz caption. soooo...

have a top one.

cheers! :)
lindsay
xx