Saturday, January 19, 2008
nevermind.
i am honestly losing my mind. i ... i don't know. i need to stop. i can't decide whether this insane beating of my head is induced by extreme caffeine intake or tears. i ... i don't know. i believe i said that already, in the exact same way. i don't know what to do with my life, or what my life is doing with me. i feel like we are meant to just find ourselves. find our way in the world. that is the meaning, i'm sure. but how can we even be sure that there is a meaning. i don't even know if i care to know if there is a meaning. i don't know. i need to make films. i don't even care to make films. i need to write. i need to expose myself to humanity. i need to completely gut myself and throw it into the faces of everyone on the planet. feel what i feel. i want people to...feel what i feel. i was on the edge of saying that i want to be understood. but ... how can such a thing be possible? i mean...really. how could anyone ever truly understand another individual? i believe in the concept of soulmates. i believe in it in the sense that some people are from the same "soul" and it splits off and inhabits several people. that's how i use the term. i don't mean it in the "i'm sexually in love with you" sense. i mean it in the way that, some people in the world are actually a part of you. more like...together you are a part of something greater. yes, i know to anyone that may stumble upon this it may sound like a load of shit. probably the unflushable kind in the port-a-pot of existence. but. i don't care. and i have to shit really badly as it is from all of the coffee, so that analogy was a horrible choice.
there are two purposes of art. to entertain. and to expose feeling. at least that is how i understand it. i guess another way of thinking of it is finding truth. a lot of artists have abandoned this. at least that's how i like to think of it. because...so many things in "art" now are so surface...and if i let myself believe that they are truly involved in art for arts sake...the "deeper fulfillment and understanding" it provides...it just makes me realize how shallow and braindead our society is becoming. and i feel like i am completely full of shit when i say things like this, because what in the hell am i doing that is any different from anyone else? i wish i knew how, you know? i wish i fucking knew what it was that i was meant to do. but i don't want to be under the impression that i am "destined" to do something specific. a part of me is destroyed by the acknowledgement of a possible "destiny." the idea of "fate" is also one that blows my mind to bits. i struggle with this concepts a great deal. i'm almost certain that i can't throw them out of my mind completely.
art. writing is an art. it's interesting to think of it as an art, because it is words. if writing is an art, then wouldn't speaking be one as well? wouldn't everything we do be considered an art? or is art only art if it's intentional? and if it is intentional, is it not just humanity? so then...isn't art just humanity? therefore we live for art because art is living itself.
these are such dramatic concepts. the sad thing is i am not aiming for the dramatics. i am just ... i need to get this out. i don't mean i need to purge my system, because it will forever be a part of me, but i feel like i need to just. i need. what the hell do i need? i am just rambling. is there a time when i don't ramble? and the thing is. there is a time when i don't ramble. i just sit there in complete silence. but it isn't silent in my mind. my thoughts race like olympic athletes. only typically they never make it to the finish line because my thoughts are the kind that fuck up their ankles and never recover to make it to through the race. HA. fucking. a. eh? jersey? canada?
i need to travel. i need to travel and i don't know why. am i chasing something, or running away? why do people do what they do? what pushes them to live their lives in the way that they choose? what is actually important? i think these things are self defined, and yet so many people do not live their own lives. they get sucked into the gears of society. their purpose does not end up being for themselves, but instead for the propelment of society itself. i keep creating words with "ment" at the end instead of "ing." i like ment better, so that's my excuse.
but yes. we live in america, yes? well...not all of us, obviously. but americans are the biggest feeders into society. here we are in the presumably "free" country, and yet we are the most sucked into grouping ourselves. we may have "individualism" and what not, but...everyone ends up searching for their place to fit. i don't think there is a such thing as the individual sometimes, we are all part of something bigger than ourselves. i think we live under this false sense of uniqueness but ... the idea of self actualization is also one that completely destroys my logical skills. i feel like in order to achieve it...i feel like there is no way you can obtain "self-actualization" without the presence of someone else. i feel like human emotions are the meaning of life because they are the only thing that can last longer than time itself. events pass, but for some reason we have this "emotional side" that lingers long after everything around us changes. it is the only thing that is actually personal and characteristic only to ourselves. so wouldn't that be the soul? wouldn't that be the meaning inside of you? and i feel like that is the only way to achieve complete self-actualization. the final step perhaps. but i think people who are so keen in reaching it are the ones who will fail most definitely. how can you live your life, truly, when you are so worried about living it the way you need to to "find yourself."
what the hell am i talking about? i don't know. i am worried. i am worried about my future. i don't really want money. i don't really want fame. i feel like...media has destroyed humanity, and yet at the same time is bringing it together. i hate the separation between the "famous" and the "other." i feel like in order to live my life i need to break into the fame circle, just to be around the people i will be able to connect with. that's all i really want to do...
jesus god. my head is ready to explode. i'm taking classes this semester. 2 of them are on film and such. well, one is a film viewing/discussing class. the other is media script writing. what kind of nonsense do you think will flow from my fingertips? bloody hell. this headache. alcohol is not this bad. maybe i should start drinking. just kidding. almost.
i have no money. i have no job, no escape. i feel like what i am in need of expulsing (i have begun creating words with "ing" now, instead of ment) could really be powerful, if i could release it in some way. i wish i could let go of it through music, but i don't know.
why do i become so offended by people sometimes. i just started crying again. i feel completely helpless and yet empowered. i am losing my mind. or finding it. i honestly think that it is impossible to truly live in the world today. everything is a roadblock on the road to truth. and like. some things... some things that i don't feel are important, actually are. for instance, i would not feel fulfilled with my life if i invented toilet paper. and yet i really need it to wipe my ass right now. so where would i be, if someone didn't invent that? i would be outside searching for leaves.
i feel like society has evolved past the age of self-discovery. it's like...first we invented all of the "necessities" to better our lives and make them easier...so that we could think about things. so that we could focus on more than just surviving. and maybe that age has passed us. maybe people like wagner and mahler and schopenhauer and freud and all of them...maybe they were the "thinking" period and some of us are just left over. i think we have evolved past the need for thought. there is no place for it anymore. are these people no longer trapped in their subconscious or something? do they not experience these episodes as i do? are they free? or are they just in denial?
i want things in my life that can be categorized as surfacy. i do. i want to date, and i want to have fun. but at the same time, i end up destroying all of these things because i think too much. so i feel like they need to be intertwined with my life. i think i need to be a complete individual at all times. this unsaid understanding to the degree of understanding that is possible. i often times blame my environment for things. while environment can play a huge part in anything and everything, i think it is also mainly internal.
i have no idea how long i am going to write. i don't really see the point in stopping because usually when i stop writing something, well...that's not true...because i never have a point. what i was going to say was that usually when i write i stop writing when i come to my conclusion, but that was a blatant lie because most of the time when i write i just ramble forever and hope that sometime my fingers and mind will need to stop, and thus, i conclude my writing. that sounded like a final statement. it wasn't. it was an example of one i think.
below where i am typing it says. "Labels for this post: e.g. scooters, vacation, fall." what would i label this? insanity? no. this is indeed a scooter. good show, blogspot. you have read my mind.
i wonder if i would think people like me were phonies when i met them. i wonder how much of what i'm saying is actually what i want. i say that i need to be engulfed in art and what i feel and surrounded by people who are with me, but how many of those people are just fake? and how fake would i appear to them? sometimes i feel so goddamn fake it is disgusting. what is it that i have shown to demonstrate that i am not a goddamn phony. holden caufield would look right through me.
there are two purposes of art. to entertain. and to expose feeling. at least that is how i understand it. i guess another way of thinking of it is finding truth. a lot of artists have abandoned this. at least that's how i like to think of it. because...so many things in "art" now are so surface...and if i let myself believe that they are truly involved in art for arts sake...the "deeper fulfillment and understanding" it provides...it just makes me realize how shallow and braindead our society is becoming. and i feel like i am completely full of shit when i say things like this, because what in the hell am i doing that is any different from anyone else? i wish i knew how, you know? i wish i fucking knew what it was that i was meant to do. but i don't want to be under the impression that i am "destined" to do something specific. a part of me is destroyed by the acknowledgement of a possible "destiny." the idea of "fate" is also one that blows my mind to bits. i struggle with this concepts a great deal. i'm almost certain that i can't throw them out of my mind completely.
art. writing is an art. it's interesting to think of it as an art, because it is words. if writing is an art, then wouldn't speaking be one as well? wouldn't everything we do be considered an art? or is art only art if it's intentional? and if it is intentional, is it not just humanity? so then...isn't art just humanity? therefore we live for art because art is living itself.
these are such dramatic concepts. the sad thing is i am not aiming for the dramatics. i am just ... i need to get this out. i don't mean i need to purge my system, because it will forever be a part of me, but i feel like i need to just. i need. what the hell do i need? i am just rambling. is there a time when i don't ramble? and the thing is. there is a time when i don't ramble. i just sit there in complete silence. but it isn't silent in my mind. my thoughts race like olympic athletes. only typically they never make it to the finish line because my thoughts are the kind that fuck up their ankles and never recover to make it to through the race. HA. fucking. a. eh? jersey? canada?
i need to travel. i need to travel and i don't know why. am i chasing something, or running away? why do people do what they do? what pushes them to live their lives in the way that they choose? what is actually important? i think these things are self defined, and yet so many people do not live their own lives. they get sucked into the gears of society. their purpose does not end up being for themselves, but instead for the propelment of society itself. i keep creating words with "ment" at the end instead of "ing." i like ment better, so that's my excuse.
but yes. we live in america, yes? well...not all of us, obviously. but americans are the biggest feeders into society. here we are in the presumably "free" country, and yet we are the most sucked into grouping ourselves. we may have "individualism" and what not, but...everyone ends up searching for their place to fit. i don't think there is a such thing as the individual sometimes, we are all part of something bigger than ourselves. i think we live under this false sense of uniqueness but ... the idea of self actualization is also one that completely destroys my logical skills. i feel like in order to achieve it...i feel like there is no way you can obtain "self-actualization" without the presence of someone else. i feel like human emotions are the meaning of life because they are the only thing that can last longer than time itself. events pass, but for some reason we have this "emotional side" that lingers long after everything around us changes. it is the only thing that is actually personal and characteristic only to ourselves. so wouldn't that be the soul? wouldn't that be the meaning inside of you? and i feel like that is the only way to achieve complete self-actualization. the final step perhaps. but i think people who are so keen in reaching it are the ones who will fail most definitely. how can you live your life, truly, when you are so worried about living it the way you need to to "find yourself."
what the hell am i talking about? i don't know. i am worried. i am worried about my future. i don't really want money. i don't really want fame. i feel like...media has destroyed humanity, and yet at the same time is bringing it together. i hate the separation between the "famous" and the "other." i feel like in order to live my life i need to break into the fame circle, just to be around the people i will be able to connect with. that's all i really want to do...
jesus god. my head is ready to explode. i'm taking classes this semester. 2 of them are on film and such. well, one is a film viewing/discussing class. the other is media script writing. what kind of nonsense do you think will flow from my fingertips? bloody hell. this headache. alcohol is not this bad. maybe i should start drinking. just kidding. almost.
i have no money. i have no job, no escape. i feel like what i am in need of expulsing (i have begun creating words with "ing" now, instead of ment) could really be powerful, if i could release it in some way. i wish i could let go of it through music, but i don't know.
why do i become so offended by people sometimes. i just started crying again. i feel completely helpless and yet empowered. i am losing my mind. or finding it. i honestly think that it is impossible to truly live in the world today. everything is a roadblock on the road to truth. and like. some things... some things that i don't feel are important, actually are. for instance, i would not feel fulfilled with my life if i invented toilet paper. and yet i really need it to wipe my ass right now. so where would i be, if someone didn't invent that? i would be outside searching for leaves.
i feel like society has evolved past the age of self-discovery. it's like...first we invented all of the "necessities" to better our lives and make them easier...so that we could think about things. so that we could focus on more than just surviving. and maybe that age has passed us. maybe people like wagner and mahler and schopenhauer and freud and all of them...maybe they were the "thinking" period and some of us are just left over. i think we have evolved past the need for thought. there is no place for it anymore. are these people no longer trapped in their subconscious or something? do they not experience these episodes as i do? are they free? or are they just in denial?
i want things in my life that can be categorized as surfacy. i do. i want to date, and i want to have fun. but at the same time, i end up destroying all of these things because i think too much. so i feel like they need to be intertwined with my life. i think i need to be a complete individual at all times. this unsaid understanding to the degree of understanding that is possible. i often times blame my environment for things. while environment can play a huge part in anything and everything, i think it is also mainly internal.
i have no idea how long i am going to write. i don't really see the point in stopping because usually when i stop writing something, well...that's not true...because i never have a point. what i was going to say was that usually when i write i stop writing when i come to my conclusion, but that was a blatant lie because most of the time when i write i just ramble forever and hope that sometime my fingers and mind will need to stop, and thus, i conclude my writing. that sounded like a final statement. it wasn't. it was an example of one i think.
below where i am typing it says. "Labels for this post: e.g. scooters, vacation, fall." what would i label this? insanity? no. this is indeed a scooter. good show, blogspot. you have read my mind.
i wonder if i would think people like me were phonies when i met them. i wonder how much of what i'm saying is actually what i want. i say that i need to be engulfed in art and what i feel and surrounded by people who are with me, but how many of those people are just fake? and how fake would i appear to them? sometimes i feel so goddamn fake it is disgusting. what is it that i have shown to demonstrate that i am not a goddamn phony. holden caufield would look right through me.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
the incomplete entry of 2008
i haven't written here in a while. this is mainly because i have been staying up all hours of the night for no reason at all. ah, brendan just signed online. interesting. i was just writing on his facebook a million times. there will be a pause in this entry. please excuse me.
eqmi5. i 5hink think that meant dammit. i'm tired. boo, it's 4am. i have to go to bed. 412 actually. my brothers birthday. omkay . wowi am stroating to lost me typing abilityis. abiej;afi;l that wasnt supposed to be a workd, just an outbrust. i cant really see what im typing anyway because i have one of my eyes closed and the other one just keeps drifting in and out of sleep. AHHH. i will write tomorrow though. i have been putting it off, and i dont know why. jason mraz hasn't updated in a while either. maybe i'm a poser. okay. goodngiht.
eqmi5. i 5hink think that meant dammit. i'm tired. boo, it's 4am. i have to go to bed. 412 actually. my brothers birthday. omkay . wowi am stroating to lost me typing abilityis. abiej;afi;l that wasnt supposed to be a workd, just an outbrust. i cant really see what im typing anyway because i have one of my eyes closed and the other one just keeps drifting in and out of sleep. AHHH. i will write tomorrow though. i have been putting it off, and i dont know why. jason mraz hasn't updated in a while either. maybe i'm a poser. okay. goodngiht.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
i am a fatass.
hello internet. hello blogspot. hello jenna.
so i have decided that this is the time to reach out and take hold of my dreams. fulfill every part of myself that yearns for something greater. i am ready. and i am going to.
so guess what i did today, to achieve these things:
slept. a lot. took a nap that lasted more than 4 hours. i had a migraine...
i ate about half a box of generic cheez-its.
made babies on facebook.
i am a fatass.
don't believe me? here is a glimpse at what i look like today.
i know that i've looked worse, but this is still pretty extreme.
i did listen to a lot of tunes though. a lot of them. very detailed listening actually, probably the hardest i've ever listened to music in my life. i am beginning to pick out the elements that make songs what they are, and what gives artists their individualized sound.
i had to post that. it is gorgeous.
so is this:
4:23:27 AM TheDani463: there are times i wonder if i have anything original to offer
4:23:50 AM TheDani463: like i'm noticing i have all these new mannerisms because of someone i'm working with right now
4:24:16 AM TheDani463: i feel very strange
4:24:21 AM TheDani463: a lot of the times
4:26:11 AM TheDani463: and i wanted to say this earlier, like before you mentioned the stadium, i love you, you're one of the most interesting people i've ever met, i don't think i'll ever figure you out completely and that makes me want to know you for a long time... sometimes i wish our history was better/different because i wonder where we'd be in terms of our friendship or relationship, who knows.... i'm just thankful you still talk to me
and this:
4:34:51 AM TheDani463: you rape my brain lindsay
4:34:54 AM TheDani463: and i love you for it
i think that is one of the biggest compliments i have ever received. it makes me very happy to know people feel that way. i certainly do.
here's another picture from my pointless collection: (i really like colons today. weird that i just have to pee.)
so i have decided that this is the time to reach out and take hold of my dreams. fulfill every part of myself that yearns for something greater. i am ready. and i am going to.
so guess what i did today, to achieve these things:
slept. a lot. took a nap that lasted more than 4 hours. i had a migraine...
i ate about half a box of generic cheez-its.
made babies on facebook.
i am a fatass.
don't believe me? here is a glimpse at what i look like today.
i know that i've looked worse, but this is still pretty extreme.
i did listen to a lot of tunes though. a lot of them. very detailed listening actually, probably the hardest i've ever listened to music in my life. i am beginning to pick out the elements that make songs what they are, and what gives artists their individualized sound.
i had to post that. it is gorgeous.
so is this:
4:23:27 AM TheDani463: there are times i wonder if i have anything original to offer
4:23:50 AM TheDani463: like i'm noticing i have all these new mannerisms because of someone i'm working with right now
4:24:16 AM TheDani463: i feel very strange
4:24:21 AM TheDani463: a lot of the times
4:26:11 AM TheDani463: and i wanted to say this earlier, like before you mentioned the stadium, i love you, you're one of the most interesting people i've ever met, i don't think i'll ever figure you out completely and that makes me want to know you for a long time... sometimes i wish our history was better/different because i wonder where we'd be in terms of our friendship or relationship, who knows.... i'm just thankful you still talk to me
and this:
4:34:51 AM TheDani463: you rape my brain lindsay
4:34:54 AM TheDani463: and i love you for it
i think that is one of the biggest compliments i have ever received. it makes me very happy to know people feel that way. i certainly do.
here's another picture from my pointless collection: (i really like colons today. weird that i just have to pee.)
random things i say that i keep for lyrics
11:58:05 AM lindsay: but there are no real people at the school anymore
11:58:13 AM lindsay: its all gone
11:58:20 AM lindsay: then again i think maybe fake is the new real
11:58:25 AM lindsay: in which case, i am an illusion
12:04:30 PM lindsay: dont worry, i expect no pennies for my thoughts, save them for the wishing fountains
i think of you when spontaneity strikes. what a fucking miserable word to spell without spell check. haha just hold your breath and jump in i guess.
don't worry, he's on his way back to you. i was just an "after these messages," but you are the main attraction.
whenever i feel like i am trying to find th tonal center to the chord of my life i tend to seek you out. ps vowels are who we are, u & i. see what i did there.
don't worry he's coming back to you
i was just an "after these messages" but you are the main attraction
but i should be a double feature.
11:58:13 AM lindsay: its all gone
11:58:20 AM lindsay: then again i think maybe fake is the new real
11:58:25 AM lindsay: in which case, i am an illusion
12:04:30 PM lindsay: dont worry, i expect no pennies for my thoughts, save them for the wishing fountains
i think of you when spontaneity strikes. what a fucking miserable word to spell without spell check. haha just hold your breath and jump in i guess.
don't worry, he's on his way back to you. i was just an "after these messages," but you are the main attraction.
whenever i feel like i am trying to find th tonal center to the chord of my life i tend to seek you out. ps vowels are who we are, u & i. see what i did there.
don't worry he's coming back to you
i was just an "after these messages" but you are the main attraction
but i should be a double feature.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
after these messages.
I am sitting here at my computer trying to figure out the words to write onto this thing. i was concocting this elaborate scheme of thoughts in the moments my fingers began to fly across the keys of my letterboard machinery, but all of the things i was planning on writing were lies. not earth shattering untruths that would alter the state of human existence or anything...just subtle things like lying and saying "as i sit here and stare at the screen, my thoughts race." when i am actually, in fact, staring at the keys. of course when i write that i begin looking at the screen. so who the fuck can win, anyway? certainly not i.
tonight was an interesting night. i could say that almost every night. again, i would be lying.
but tonight was, indeed, interesting to many, pleasant for some, unpleasant for others still.
i went to a hookah bar tonight. i also went to a diner. twice. i could live at a diner, in the smoking section. i don't smoke. and yet, i sit there in the smoking section, aching for someone of interesting proportions, mentally or psychologically or metaphorically...whatever you want to call it, to appear in that tiny section between the street and the nonsmokers. there is glass separating us from the racing cars, of course, but if you look hard enough through the grime of the fingers that were placed on it before yours, you can almost feel the wind and the puddles splashing on your tired, smoke burdened face.
i guess what i am trying to say is that the only thing interesting about the smoking section was us. i survived the cancerous second hand smoke for hours tonight. i braved through the cancer causing particles. and for what? just to interest myself. and yet i'd do it all again. if it didn't make me smell so outrageously bad. no, i'd still do it again. and i'm sure i will.
jenna was with me tonight/today. for all of it. hello, jenna. i hope you are reading this thoroughly.
dani came down today. i wrote about him in an earlier entry, but that was lost in the oblivion of cyberspace. some microchip out there is reading this long misery driven story laiden with heartbreak and treachery. i hope you enjoy it. don't steal it. the rough copy of the script of my life is copyrighted by yours truly. and again, i am lying. i have never copyrighted anything in my life. nor patented anything. i should have, since i invented melodrama itself. holla.
i had to start a new paragraph because i kept wanting to write "copywrite" instead of "copyright." i felt like if i started a new paragraph i would be able to ween myself from this misinformed habit (which i ALWAYS spell with 2 b's...as if some day the spellchecker will suddenly recognize its' mistake and correct it in accordance to my own mental dictionary.)
(this is an edit. but. look at this photo. i took a picture of myself producing actual tears.)
(okay, returning to the blog now.)
this blogger keeps popping up with exclamatory messages of saving the draft of my tales. it is lying. it doesn't save shit. it misleads me and sends my thought off to the man. damn the man. that's right, i referenced the film. i did it. everyone does it. it is so cliche. just like life. haaa.
speaking of that film (for those of you who don't know which one...i almost said can't hardly wait. that would have been a lie. i can't stop them from flowing. but the true answer is "empire records.") the characters were incredible, and yet none of them were developed to the extent in which i think they should have been. perhaps that was the point of the film? to just leave it on this sort of...surface-like, edgy, faux deep note? and yes, the a film is automatically deep when it includes underage drinking, sex, drug use, suicidal thoughts, and music. out of control man, totally out of control. oh...and money problems.
have you ever tried to glue money to the floor? i think there is a lot of intellectual change glued to the roof of my brain right now. i think i put it there years ago, and now my brain is spazzing out because it is in need of a fix. i am fighting to spring the change loose and put it to use. look at me rhyming like doctor seuss. that one was unintentional. yes...i AM that amazing.
when i used to write things, many years ago, even today...who am i kidding, i NEVER separated anything. this one i am going a bit overboard. none of my thoughts flow at all. what makes me not separate every sentence?
or
every
word
even.
i kid.
but seriously. i wish i could just get jason mraz lyrics and music out of my head. it's becoming difficult to create music of my own, since everything my brain is producing is reproductions.
my nose hurts. honestly. this is one thing that i can not lie about. there are other things, but...this is one that will never be a lie. ever. you see, i am allergic to kleenex. it's very sad.
"or how they called you FOXY. well that's another whole box of pandora's. that's another whole box of them ties." - the jason mraz lyrics that keep playing over and over in my head.
i'm going to publish this and then continue.
okay, i have returned. this is full of shit btw. it says it is 12:19am. it is 3:40am. i have no idea what kind of time system it must be on. i may lie like a rug, but this lies like a flying carpet. that has been nailed to the floor. it FIGHTS not to lie, but still must.
so i said some things tonight. i sent this one girl this message. i said: he's coming back to you now, don't worry. i was just the "after these messages" but you are the main attraction.
i also said, to someone else, obviously: every time i feel like searching for the tonal center to the chord of my life i tend to seek you out.
i hope they enjoyed those messages. i hope they chuckled and smirked at what a wordsmith i am. a maker of strings of words. words...whatever those are.
i am very very tired, and i just got barracuda in my head. i like that song. i played it on guitar hero once.
i was about to write "it's funny how life works." but it's not. because it doesn't. if life worked so well, it wouldn't inevitably end. you don't say a clock works when it is more frozen than a sherbet pop in the ice box of your childhood. you just don't.
maybe life is that dino push-up pop. i know you said "die-no" when you read it the first time, and then went back when you realized it wasn't the beginning of "dinosaur" and was actually "dee-no". it's okay, i did it too. and i was writing it for chrissake. push-up pops. wow. here is a visual, in case you are at a loss for one. i would take a picture of the one in my mind, but i don't have my artillery of scalpels and the light from my photo booth would hurt my eyes at this hour.
the orange ones really hit the spot. it's funny that i am so drawn to the flintstones (omg. the fire...stones...flintstones...cave people...cave people made fire. holy shit. when...when did this idea first begin to blossom? that is ingenius.) tonight. earlier i said "DOUBLE BAM!" for no reason. that translated to the ones around me as an outcry for bam-bam. don't worry pebbles, i will not tread on your turf. just call me cobblestone. i've been in place on the road so long that i've almost become it.
i hope you watched that relationship quickly progress and became as remarkably depressed as i did. i thought that bat was for beating, double bam! oh how quickly you traded it in for a diamond ring.
one of those pictures wouldn't show up because of site rights. i'm going to pretend it is the reason the wedding had to happen. shotgun. and there is no car in sight.
i am really glad jenna and i have started talking more, about deeper things. i have always been able to go out and act odd with her, but i knew there was something more that needed to be. tonight was splendid for that reason. and i can rest assured that we will live together in the future. i think it will help us both immensely on our spiritual journeys into ourselves. i am strong enough now to not fall apart completely, and yet still vulnerable enough to not be strong.
i'm really glad justin leigh texted me back. i am really glad i called him. i don't know what my mom is going to say to me about anything, but that is fine. i am getting a job soon, so i can pay for things like insurance and the useless necessities. right now one of those could be sleeves, because i am freezing.
i really am glad though. he is the first person i am going to hunt down in person when i move out. he's one of my soul mates, and i don't say that lightly. or sexually. he just is. we share a spirit. i don't know...it's complicated. that will be another post in itself.
as will an explanation of dani.
i am tired now. here is another random picture from my collection for you to enjoy:
ps. my lungs hurt.
tonight was an interesting night. i could say that almost every night. again, i would be lying.
but tonight was, indeed, interesting to many, pleasant for some, unpleasant for others still.
i went to a hookah bar tonight. i also went to a diner. twice. i could live at a diner, in the smoking section. i don't smoke. and yet, i sit there in the smoking section, aching for someone of interesting proportions, mentally or psychologically or metaphorically...whatever you want to call it, to appear in that tiny section between the street and the nonsmokers. there is glass separating us from the racing cars, of course, but if you look hard enough through the grime of the fingers that were placed on it before yours, you can almost feel the wind and the puddles splashing on your tired, smoke burdened face.
i guess what i am trying to say is that the only thing interesting about the smoking section was us. i survived the cancerous second hand smoke for hours tonight. i braved through the cancer causing particles. and for what? just to interest myself. and yet i'd do it all again. if it didn't make me smell so outrageously bad. no, i'd still do it again. and i'm sure i will.
jenna was with me tonight/today. for all of it. hello, jenna. i hope you are reading this thoroughly.
dani came down today. i wrote about him in an earlier entry, but that was lost in the oblivion of cyberspace. some microchip out there is reading this long misery driven story laiden with heartbreak and treachery. i hope you enjoy it. don't steal it. the rough copy of the script of my life is copyrighted by yours truly. and again, i am lying. i have never copyrighted anything in my life. nor patented anything. i should have, since i invented melodrama itself. holla.
i had to start a new paragraph because i kept wanting to write "copywrite" instead of "copyright." i felt like if i started a new paragraph i would be able to ween myself from this misinformed habit (which i ALWAYS spell with 2 b's...as if some day the spellchecker will suddenly recognize its' mistake and correct it in accordance to my own mental dictionary.)
(this is an edit. but. look at this photo. i took a picture of myself producing actual tears.)
(okay, returning to the blog now.)
this blogger keeps popping up with exclamatory messages of saving the draft of my tales. it is lying. it doesn't save shit. it misleads me and sends my thought off to the man. damn the man. that's right, i referenced the film. i did it. everyone does it. it is so cliche. just like life. haaa.
speaking of that film (for those of you who don't know which one...i almost said can't hardly wait. that would have been a lie. i can't stop them from flowing. but the true answer is "empire records.") the characters were incredible, and yet none of them were developed to the extent in which i think they should have been. perhaps that was the point of the film? to just leave it on this sort of...surface-like, edgy, faux deep note? and yes, the a film is automatically deep when it includes underage drinking, sex, drug use, suicidal thoughts, and music. out of control man, totally out of control. oh...and money problems.
have you ever tried to glue money to the floor? i think there is a lot of intellectual change glued to the roof of my brain right now. i think i put it there years ago, and now my brain is spazzing out because it is in need of a fix. i am fighting to spring the change loose and put it to use. look at me rhyming like doctor seuss. that one was unintentional. yes...i AM that amazing.
when i used to write things, many years ago, even today...who am i kidding, i NEVER separated anything. this one i am going a bit overboard. none of my thoughts flow at all. what makes me not separate every sentence?
or
every
word
even.
i kid.
but seriously. i wish i could just get jason mraz lyrics and music out of my head. it's becoming difficult to create music of my own, since everything my brain is producing is reproductions.
my nose hurts. honestly. this is one thing that i can not lie about. there are other things, but...this is one that will never be a lie. ever. you see, i am allergic to kleenex. it's very sad.
"or how they called you FOXY. well that's another whole box of pandora's. that's another whole box of them ties." - the jason mraz lyrics that keep playing over and over in my head.
i'm going to publish this and then continue.
okay, i have returned. this is full of shit btw. it says it is 12:19am. it is 3:40am. i have no idea what kind of time system it must be on. i may lie like a rug, but this lies like a flying carpet. that has been nailed to the floor. it FIGHTS not to lie, but still must.
so i said some things tonight. i sent this one girl this message. i said: he's coming back to you now, don't worry. i was just the "after these messages" but you are the main attraction.
i also said, to someone else, obviously: every time i feel like searching for the tonal center to the chord of my life i tend to seek you out.
i hope they enjoyed those messages. i hope they chuckled and smirked at what a wordsmith i am. a maker of strings of words. words...whatever those are.
i am very very tired, and i just got barracuda in my head. i like that song. i played it on guitar hero once.
i was about to write "it's funny how life works." but it's not. because it doesn't. if life worked so well, it wouldn't inevitably end. you don't say a clock works when it is more frozen than a sherbet pop in the ice box of your childhood. you just don't.
maybe life is that dino push-up pop. i know you said "die-no" when you read it the first time, and then went back when you realized it wasn't the beginning of "dinosaur" and was actually "dee-no". it's okay, i did it too. and i was writing it for chrissake. push-up pops. wow. here is a visual, in case you are at a loss for one. i would take a picture of the one in my mind, but i don't have my artillery of scalpels and the light from my photo booth would hurt my eyes at this hour.
the orange ones really hit the spot. it's funny that i am so drawn to the flintstones (omg. the fire...stones...flintstones...cave people...cave people made fire. holy shit. when...when did this idea first begin to blossom? that is ingenius.) tonight. earlier i said "DOUBLE BAM!" for no reason. that translated to the ones around me as an outcry for bam-bam. don't worry pebbles, i will not tread on your turf. just call me cobblestone. i've been in place on the road so long that i've almost become it.
i hope you watched that relationship quickly progress and became as remarkably depressed as i did. i thought that bat was for beating, double bam! oh how quickly you traded it in for a diamond ring.
one of those pictures wouldn't show up because of site rights. i'm going to pretend it is the reason the wedding had to happen. shotgun. and there is no car in sight.
i am really glad jenna and i have started talking more, about deeper things. i have always been able to go out and act odd with her, but i knew there was something more that needed to be. tonight was splendid for that reason. and i can rest assured that we will live together in the future. i think it will help us both immensely on our spiritual journeys into ourselves. i am strong enough now to not fall apart completely, and yet still vulnerable enough to not be strong.
i'm really glad justin leigh texted me back. i am really glad i called him. i don't know what my mom is going to say to me about anything, but that is fine. i am getting a job soon, so i can pay for things like insurance and the useless necessities. right now one of those could be sleeves, because i am freezing.
i really am glad though. he is the first person i am going to hunt down in person when i move out. he's one of my soul mates, and i don't say that lightly. or sexually. he just is. we share a spirit. i don't know...it's complicated. that will be another post in itself.
as will an explanation of dani.
i am tired now. here is another random picture from my collection for you to enjoy:
ps. my lungs hurt.
Monday, December 24, 2007
well well well...and so it (re)begins.
this picture doesn't go with the rest of my entry at all. i just wanted to post it. it makes me feel cool.
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