what is it that it is?

life is a chain of events-
cause and reaction-
set off by the choices we make.

the events are our lives. the choices, our identity.

bill mick. gracing my life on 4/27.

Lindsay
no one is prettier than you are
2:30amLindsay
i mean that in the most positive way
2:32amLindsay
you can only be who you are
and i think what is most alluring about you is that you have no choice but to be who you are
you cant be something else.
its like, life is a dream, and you're stuck in it. but the dream is your identity and you play yourself
2:35amLindsay
i dont know. it's soothing how much you stick with your person even as youre battling it.
maybe i'm entirely wrong, but that's how i mostly feel about myself. only you are less/more of a phony than i am
i can't decide. i'd have to be more solid on what i think reality is.
Emmitt
sorry.. i was listening to my friends'audio project. i would sincerely appreciate anyone to promote me. there's a stiff guy that only books stereotypical folk acts.. 'i woke up dreaming that i was a butterfly or maybe i am a butterfly dreaming as a man..' i do my best not to fake. i feel poorer when i am giddy.. i see what it does..
awkwardness is the best for everything at the age i am..
2:39amLindsay
but your choice of words are so sickeningly perfect
that even people who have no idea what you are really trying to say would be drawn to them
they sound like blood drops of wisdom from siddhartha himself, or something
like. i can't imagine people hearing the things you say not feeling wiser because of it. and that's such a big draw for people. phonies and otherwise
2:40amEmmitt
i'm sorry. i am leaving the UARTS building now. leave the remainder of your thoughts in a personal message and i'll respond in the morning. goodnight. AHHAHAHAHA my sick words..i work on them because i am tired of people using words wrong. words kill quicker than actions..the rocks and stick and stones and bones are WRONG. i am re-reading siddhartha by hesse. man.. i have to go! i wish to keep talking.. but i must go. i'm sorry! g'nite!!
2:41amLindsay
haha its okay, byyye
2:41amEmmitt
how is it that your words are empowering me? i refuse to allow peoples words into my head! i am my self.. and no one else any more. mann. goodnight. i'm sorry!! my painful mind pushed words behind me.
2:42amLindsay
i like you bill mick. you always make me smile somehow. goodnight.


a private message? with all of my thoughts? they are playing hide and seek, and i'm not sure all of them will come out. we'll pray they don't. but for now i'll continue.

i began writing this to you in my head while i was walking to the bathroom, as i peed, and on my return trip to the computer. i hope i haven't lost too many of the thought in transit because they were quite good. the horrible thing about that is now i am having other thoughts that are covering up the old. it's frustrating.

there are certain people i have met throughout my life whom i feel deserve/need to make a difference in the world. you are one of those people. i am not sure what it is about you, but i feel like people would be drawn to you. and respect you. or at least they should. and they will.

my room smells. i'm not sure of what and i'm not sure of why. it almost smells like a library or something. that old book must. again, i'm not sure why.

there has been a severe outbreak of spider sightings in my house over the past few days. as i entered my dark room just now i took out my cell phone light and started gazing at the walls searching for more. then i realised i would be worse off if i found them and wouldn't be able to sleep. this is when i realised some things are better left unknown. (i hate when there are two sentences in a row using the same verb. it's one of my biggest pet-peeves ever. i don't know why i'm not going back and fixing it. AH.) when i say i realised it, i'm half lying. it's not something i am discovering for the first time, but rather something i continue to rediscover an infinite number of times throughout life. ignorance is bliss and all of that other fabulous bullshit. if you can be consciously ignorant in a non-negatory way then you may be onto something. ignorance is so often times linked with uncaring stigmatisms that i'm not sure i've ever witnessed it in the positive.

what am i saying.?

i wasn't even really planning on writing much in this and now it has turned into my journal.

i'm having trouble being comfortable in life for any extended period of time. i am never content with being content. i think the only way for me to content is to be discontent. otherwise it would be like giving up on what is left in the world to discover. i think it's funny when people set out to discover the world and are so disgustingly happy, as if the majority of the world that is out there to discover is somehow lovely. unluckily for those folk, most of life is pain. but at the same time, it's only really pain if you see it as such. again, that is hippie bullshit, because there is pain and suffering in the world that we can not even stop. that's something that has sort of always confused me about hippies. everything is all peace and love and happiness and fun times, as if they are unaware of the suffering around them, and yet they are/were the same people to rally for all of these intense causes. does this just mean that the suffering of others doesn't bog down their joy? wouldn't that make them assholes? sure, they are trying to bring other people into the world in their minds, but in the meantime...wouldn't that make them assholes? what the hell am i talking about now...

i'll write to venues and promote you. definitely no doubt there. as soon as this semester is over i will start sending things out. if they want you to play and you aren't around anymore because you are off touring the world with some dame, they will just have to deal. oh well for them, but that only makes you seem more bohemian and desirable. the word "tour" sounds oddly professional. even if it is just a nationwide starbucks hop. which would actually somehow depress me. i'm not a real big fan of the galactical deer.

i enjoy replacing words with their synonyms. it makes me feel trendy and accepted by the unaccepted.

why is outcast the new incrowd? and why do i feel more comfortable there? or do i just want to feel more comfortable there?

i should end this soon. i'm really tired, and my pet dragon is getting restless.

i'm lying. i don't even have a pet dragon. i do have a pink stuffed dragon that my friend brendan gave me once. we have quite an odd interaction. i named the dragon chloë sassafrass.

i just started drifting off to sleep with words circling in my brain. and then i heard my one cat, phoebe, meowing downstairs. i thought it was in my head. i thought i was dreaming in the style of david lynch again. or bergman. i just watched "wild strawberries" on wednesday, i believe that's what it's called, and his dreams in it are pretty intense. there's no way lynch can deny being influenced by him. i enjoyed it.

alright, i'm passing out before i accidentally delete this whole thing, or it starts making sense... i just started typing on all of the wrong keys. woooooo!

goodnight duke of the uke.
and yes, i stole that from a jason mraz caption. soooo...

have a top one.

cheers! :)
lindsay
xx

hello hello

how goes it interweb?

it's 2:20. i'm tired. and yet i'm blogging. YAY.

today was my brother's 26th birthday. that's right people, 26. it's an odd age to think about because it's still young, but 6 would round up...so it's borderline 30. not saying 30 is old, the thought of it just frightens me because it is almost a decade away for me. so much will happen in my life before that time that it's impossible to fathom.

why? seriously, why?!

i'm fat and i'm sad.

not sad as in pathetic, though i'm sure that could be said to be accurate as well. i am losing it right now. my mom is such a psychopath. she just stands around talking loudly about how fucked up i am and how i make everyone late for everything and how she doesn't know how i would think i could ever make it in the "real" world. riiight. because the real world is warminster. new york is a fantasy land apparently, no one actually lives there. i got sick cause i went to ny, you know that right? yeah, i got sick because i was in this far away place for a few hours and my lungs and immune system clearly couldn't take the air of the surrounding environment. it couldn't have possibly had anything to do with allergy season starting. and it certainly had nothing to do with being around a million sick people choking their heads off with no voices while i was at school. nope. it was new york. because new york is clearly the devil. but i wasn't actually sick when i was sick, no, definitely not. "what's wrong with lindsay?" "oh nothing, she just sneezes around catnip." excuse me? i have a fever. i'm passing out every second. i can't breathe. and it's because there is CATNIP in my general direction? have i never encountered catnip in my travels through life? ahh, but now SHE is sick. and it is my fault. the person who was never sick to begin with somehow passed on the illness to the non-believer and is being blamed. funny how that works. but really, it's not my fault, it's good ole NYC. it's after my mum you see, and it struck her through me. even cities have a personal vendetta against her. what a terrible life!

we were supposed to get my bloody computer fixed today. this is the 3rd time i've scheduled an appointment, and guess what--- we didn't go! you're SHOCKED, i know! the first time we couldn't go because there was an accident on a highway parallel to the one we would have had to take. this clearly would mean that everyone from that highway would get onto the one we would be on and it would be chaos. no one ever drives on a highway in traffic, you see, it's unheard of. people can only drive on streets when no one else is around. the second time we couldn't go because my mom was trying to trap a pregnant cat. she just sat at the door for hours and hours everyday with a string attached to a carrier and 2 other traps. we couldn't leave the house because it may frighten this outdoor stray, because they never hear noise and are used to a life of serenity and peace...so i say we can go another time because my mom just kept saying she wanted to go with us, she wished she could go to, if only she could go. how many weeks later is it? and we just didn't go again? we couldn't go last week because i was going to ny on saturday night so we were NOT to go to the mall on sunday. i didn't deserve to go 2 places, you see, and we can never go anywhere on a sunday because wayno (my dad..akejwoaijs;lfkjaw) needs to be tucked in at 6pm on sundays. i'm sorry, what day is it today? oh that's right, it's sunday. the day this week that i was told to make the appointment for. that's funny, i thought we couldn't take it on a sunday...? curse the internet for having times available on sunday! as wayno goes off on a rant saying i didn't make an appointment because they don't have hours on sundays. he lies about everything so he doesn't have to do it. i'm sorry, what year is it? 1910? STORES ARE OPEN ON SUNDAYS. when i worked at kmart and i had to work til 10 or 11 on sundays he would always pretend to convince me that the store isn't open that late. target closes at 2 on sundays. did you know that? of course you didn't, because it's not true. anyway. this time was different. this time i was all prepared to go, and i was told we were leaving in 45 minutes. i asked repeatedly because no one would figure out when we had to leave. 45 minutes would bring us to 11am. okay, 10:43 i am coming downstairs and my mom is screaming at me. and she just starts saying really loudly, no, more like ranting "WELL, if she makes us late that's just it! we'll just MISS the appointment and it will be her own fault! we're always late for everything because of her!" okay, well, when i was in the bathroom taking a piss i heard you in the bathroom downstairs flushing the toilet, and then the second you were out of the bathroom...as i was washing my hands...you start screaming at me for not being ready. excuse me but you were just finished 2 seconds ago. oh right, i forgot, THE SECOND YOU ARE READY IS WHEN IT IS TIME TO GO. you see, time and the world itself revolves around her, and nothing else, not even science or truth, could possibly be more correct. so then i start screaming that i was coming down and that i was on time and she starts with her snotty voice saying well actually, i was not. this brings us to...not even 10 of? and she just starts storming around the house saying she's not going now, BLAH BLAH BLAH she starts making herself tea, keeps ranting, saying i have to go without her because she's not going to be around my screaming. then she starts going on her usual path of self-degradation and trying to pretend that i want her dead, and how happy i'll be when she is dead. who the FUCK says this shit? SERIOUSLY, TELL ME. we're supposed to go to the FUCKING MALL, why does it have to become so dramatic?? and then wayno starts following me around the house like he's going to beat the shit out of me. i swear to god, if he had tried to hit me i would have kicked him so hard and then called the cops. then my mom starts screaming at me to have my little GIRLFRIEND jenna take me to the mall since i like her better than them. EXCUSE ME?? why the fuck do you have to act like a 2 year old? and to fucking call me a lesbian?? WHAT THE HELL?! so then i'm crying hysterically, and screaming at her asking why she says things like that. of course when i'm doing that you can see in her face that she knows she went to far, but instead of apologizing she just gets snottier and she takes out her cell phone saying she has to call her mother. because she actually calls HER mother! YEAH. BULLSHIT. and then all we hear is how annoyed you are that you have to call your mother for even 5 minutes a day! you can't be serious. so then when i'm screaming and crying in hysterics about how i can't understand why she's so evil and mean to me, i walk out of the kitchen and wayno is coming down the stairs in the living room and just stands there like he's going to beat the shit out of me. i really didn't fucking care. i can look pretty fierce when i'm angry and he is a 2 year old wuss. he just starts going "PFFT. i don't know what the HELL is wrong with you. PFFT PFFT PFFT." i fucking HATE when he does that fucking noise! it makes me so angry! don't act like you're in disgust of me, i'm not an idiot! what the hell is wrong with me?? nothing! i didn't do anything! you are all psychos! he just LOVES when my mom gets insane at me because it means he can act that way. he hates me so he LOVES those moments. so i go "you don't know what's wrong with ME?? it's called standing up for myself! something you will never EVER do because you never could! you just follow everything she tells you all the time!" so then of course my mom had told me to go back to bed. i can't STAND that comment, because i had slept over 8 hours and she slept for what, 3? she always purposely sleep deprives herself because it gives her that nasty edge. so then HE tells me to go back to bed! that's right! he took her line, word for word! oh how creative you are! and then he just kept saying nastily "SHUT UP. just SHUT UP." i WISH you could hear the way he says these things. he sounds like a 2 year old who was just told he has to paint with red instead of green. i can't even explain it, but it's the dumbest attitude on the planet. so then. so THEN. after all of this has happened. my mom starts screaming at me to get downstairs with the computer because we were going. okay, this is at like, 11:15. at 10:45 she was screaming that we were going to be late so there was no point in going, and then at 11:15 she thinks i'm actually going to go when there is no way on earth we'd make it? ah oui, this makes total sense. so then she throws another temper tantrum because i said i'm not going now because we wouldn't make it and i'm not dropping my computer off there because i need it. that sounds logical enough for me-- if you don't have an appointment or you miss it you have to leave your computer. we were going to miss it and i didn't want to leave my computer. but no. that was me purposely being mean to her, and NEVER AGAIN will she be going along. this was my LAST CHANCE to get my computer fixed, and i had blown it. first of all it's covered under warrantee. a warrantee that SHE paid for, okay? sure, i basically paid for it because she took all of my money, but it's under her name so why would she want to purposely doom something so expensive that was supposedly purchased by her? people are so immature. i can't even understand it. i'm supposed to just sit back and be okay with being called a lesbian and being told that i ruined someone's life, and being talked down in every way imaginable? and if i don't stay completely silent as it happens i'm the one with a problem? i really don't think so. sorry, but you are mistaken.

and if i hear her call my fat one more time i'm going to lose it. i work out EVERYDAY. i've been eating really healthy and i've lost about 10lbs. first off, it's my body. what gives you the right? secondly, i'm obviously affected by it. i have obviously taken initiative with MY OWN BODY, for myself. but i'm not anorexic. i was supposed to become anorexic about 12 or 13 years ago back when my mom kept pounding into my head that i was fat. i never took the bait though. i never developed an eating disorder. how disappointing. i'm sorry but i don't want to just be really skinny, i want to be strong. i'm not going to just stop eating completely and call it a day. my body is my body and nobody else's. same with yours'. we are the only ones who are with our body at all times.

UMM

the worst thing in the WORLD is pms on a diet!

I'M JONESING REAL BAD.

nyc you break my heart.

why the hell can i not focus on my work? i just want to go outside and be in central park. i shouldn't have gone to ny this weekend because now i can't stand not being there. i miss will and the streets and...yes...the subway. here i sit in my comfortable little suburban home, and i just want to be in a crappy apartment looking into the smog filled streets. i'm restless. i should be working on my script. my computer just started making exploding noises again. i think it is trying to mirror my discomfort. and now it's making me angry. angry enough to shut it off to shut it up.

i'll write more later i'm sure.

.

it's easter. happy easter.